BY KEVIN CARR
1. Alexander
What in God’s name was Oliver Stone thinking? This three hour nightmare takes one of the most powerful figures in history and reduces him to a squandering pervert. The most amazing thing about “Alexander” is that someone, somewhere actually thought it was a good idea.
2. Wicker Park
This remake of a French film bored me to tears. Starring the ever-unsympathetic Josh Hartnett in a story about lust triangles and the good kind of stalkers, “Wicker Park” was too fantastic to believe and too dull to watch ever again.
3. The Door in the Floor
Look, I understand the appeal some had for this film, but it was one of the most boring films I’ve seen in a long time. Add the fact that the storyline was so preposterous and the characters were so pathetic, and you’ve got one of the top stinkers of the year.
4. Closer
Yeah, yeah, I know. Natalie Portman does a striptease, but the characters in this film were so insipid and worthless that I would have breathed a sigh of relief if they all caught cholera and died. Never before has theatre been more inappropriate for the silver screen.
5. Fahrenheit 9/11
Michael Moore’s scathing op-ed piece disguised as a documentary seemed to stir up plenty of trouble in the middle of the year, but amazingly had no effect on the voting public come election day. I guess it isn’t so bad if you can get past the lies, twisting of the facts, insults to the military, racist tactics and other underhanded tricks of Michael Moore.
6. Secret Window
Based on one of Stephen King’s weaker stories, “Secret Window” tells the story of a writer slowly going mad. I liked this movie better when it was called “The Shining.”
7. Surviving Christmas
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s release a Christmas movie before Halloween. And let’s also cast James Gandolfini, ‘cause nothing says Christmas in October like Tony Soprano!
8. The Manchurian Candidate
The original was a classic, which makes this cinematic abortion even more unforgivable. With international threats and terrorism abound, the filmmakers saw fit to blame “evil big corporate America” with the problems of the world in this one.
9. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
This was supposed to be one of the top visionary films of recent years. What we got was a crappy story wrapped around an over-produced special effects budget. A word of warning: run from any movie with Angelina Jolie in it.
10. The Stepford Wives
Here’s another awful remake that polluted the cineplexes this year. It just barely squeaked by other stinkers like “Dirty Dancing Havana Nights,” “The Big Bounce” and “Catwoman” to make the list. Shame on you, Frank Oz!