D.O.A.: DEAD OR ALIVE(PG-13)
*** (out of 5)
June 15, 2007
STARRING
Jaime Pressly as TINA ARMSTRONG
Devon Aoki as KASUMI
Holly Valance as CHRISTIE ALLEN
Sarah Carter as HELENA DOUGLAS
Natassia Malthe as AYANE
Studio: Dimension
Directed by: Corey Yuen
BY KEVIN CARR
It seems that this summer we have an assortment of movies coming out that can be described with a single sentence.
For example, “Transformers” is “Big robots blowing things up.” “The Simpsons Movie” is “Homer and company on the big screen after 18 years of television.” And “Spider-Man 3” is “Spidey fights more bad guys than in the previous two movies combined.”
In this vein, “D.O.A.: Dead or Alive” can easily be described as “Hot chicks kicking ass in string bikinis.” And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Does this make me a pig? Sure thing. And does this make me a complete pawn to the marketing of this film? Absolutely. But I’m okay with that. After all, when I realized that we’d get scenes that feature Jaime Pressly in Daisy Duke shorts and a red-white-an-blue bikini top kicking ass all over the bow of a yacht, I was sold.
Ultimately, “D.O.A.: Dead or Alive” falls into the category of “it is what it is.” Over the past several weeks, I’ve had to check out many films on my own dime because the studios were afraid to show them to the critics – and with good reason. “Bug” was a travesty. “The Invisible” was incomprehensible. And “Dead Silence” was better left unsaid.
But I wasn’t sorry I spent money to see “D.O.A.” Sure, it was mainly because I got more than my fair share of girl-watching during the film, but can someone tell me if this movie was made for any other reason than that?
No one should go to this film expecting an Oscar-caliber script. No one should expect a great love story to top “Gone with the Wind” or “Titanic.” I doubt anyone going to this movie is even going to expect a coherent plot. And they’d be right on all counts.
But if you want to see a lot of ass-kicking martial-arts style, and most of the scenes featuring hot chicks in skimpy clothes, then this is the film for you. It’s not even a great martial arts movie, but any criticism I have of this is softened by the fact that there was plenty of T&A to keep me distracted.
Case in point, near the end of the movie, we see an extended fight scene between villain Eric Roberts and another guy. I suddenly lost interest in the movie here. Fortunately, the girls are released again to whale on the other bad guys in the movie, and the jigglefest continued.
Have you noticed that I didn’t spend any time explaining the plot? This was quite deliberate because while they hack together a plot, it’s really secondary to the martial arts and boobs. Just think of your standard “Mortal Kombat” type story, throw in a slate of nubile young babes, and you’ve got the story.
But who cares about the story? The writing is some of the worst you’ll see this year, arguably worse than the guilty pleasure that is “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” But I still had fun at “D.O.A.”
But the real question that Hollywood has is whether I would I buy into a sequel? And the answer is, you bet your ass, as long as you keep Jaime Pressly in those Daisy Dukes and string bikini.
Oink.