Second Reel Episode 1 – Halloween Wrap-Up

Kevin Carr — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:09:09 +0000

On This Episode: Kevin welcomes Aaron Dean to talk about the 31 Horror Movies in October. Aaron had joined Kevin on several live-tweets of the horror movies leading up to Halloween.

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Films Discussed:
Zombieland (2009)
Bad Ronald (1974)
Van Helsing (2004)
Paranormal Activity (2009)
The Hills Run Red (2009)
Trick ‘r Treat(2009)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Inside (2009)
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Zombie (1979)
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)
The Signal (2007)
Waxwork (1988)
An American Werewolf In London (1981)
The Stepfather (2009)
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)
Wrong Turn 3 (2009)
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)
Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)
Saw VI (2009)
Martyrs (2008)
Audition (1999)
The Midnight Meat Train (2008)
The Stepfather (1987)
May (2002)

Music used in this episode:
“Gold Dust Woman” by Hole
“Sweet Dreams” by Marilyn Manson
“The Love Theme” from Audition
“Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Special thanks to Aaron Dean for selecting the music.

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Kevin’s Live-Tweet of ‘Van Helsing’

fatguy — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:06:48 +0000

On October 3, Kevin live-tweeted Van Helsing, Steven Sommer’s 2004 homage to the classic Universal monster movies, recently released on Blu-ray. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.

VAN HELSING 00:20 – No move can be that bad if it starts with angry villagers carrying torches.

VAN HELSING 01:30 – I remember this movie as being a little cheesy, but I like the homage to the old Universal horror movies.

VAN HELSING 02:50 – Have fun storming the castle!

VAN HELSING 04:00 – Digital effects to make vampire teeth make look lame, but there’s a certain coolness about them.

VAN HELSING 04:50 – That leader of the angry villagers looks a little like Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror.

VAN HELSING 05;20 – No shit! They actually have the windmill AND angry villagers. Love the nod to old Universal horror.

VAN HELSING 06:40 – The only thing missing in this sequence is a band of Gypsies.

VAN HELSING 07:30 – Holy crap! Those brides of Dracula are freakin’ hot. It’d be worth the risk to “get with them,” if you know what I mean

VAN HELSING 08:20 – Aaaaaaaand enter HUGE Jackman as the title character in a fully CGI London. Yes, I will admit. He’s a ssexy dude.

VAN HELSING 09:30 – Well, Mr. Hyde is huge and in CGI and smoking a cigar. Is it the Governator in disguise?

VAN HELSING 11:55 – And yes, that would be Mr. Hyde’s butt crack. It’s a coin slot I’d rather not have seen.

VAN HELSING 13:15 – If you’re going to change from monster to mild-mannered scientist, in the middle of free fall is the worst possible time

VAN HELSING 14:45 – I didn’t know that the Vatican had confession booths as cool as Bruce Wayne’s batpoles in the bookcase.

VAN HELSING 16:20 – Boris, King of the Gypsies was just introduced. Holy cow, we have Gypsies now! And one is a hot Kate Beckinsale. Woot!

VAN HELSING 17:50 – Ha ha! Electrocuting people is funny!

VAN HELSING 18:10 – This is the 19th century Q Branch. Van Helsing is stocking up on weapons.

VAN HELSING 19:00 – Brother Carl is an awesome Q for Van Helsing. Blowing shit up with crossbows and glycerin 48.

VAN HELSING 20:15 – Hot damn. Brother Carl is joining Van Helsing in Transylvania.

VAN HELSING 21:20 – CU on Kate Beckinsale’s ass. That’s worth rewinding.

VAN HELSING 22:00 – Tom Savini once told me that he hated CGI werewolves. He’s right most of the time, but this one is wicked cool.

VAN HELSING 24:30 – Carl: “Why do we want to kill this Dracula, anyway?” VH: “Becuase he’s the son of the devil.” C: Besiddes that, I mean?”

VAN HELSING 26:00 – Kate Beckinsale can’t really pull off that Romanian accent, but she has a phenomenal ass. I’ll forgive her.

VAN HELSING 26:20 – And Van Helsing ends up with his face in Kate Beckinsale’s crotch. Them’s the breaks.

VAN HELSING 27:20 – Best flying cow scene this side of TWISTER. Mooooooooooooooo!

VAN HELSING 29:30 – You know… I’d still bang the vampire brides, even with this wings and scaly skin. Yeah, I’d be into that.

VAN HELSING 30:10 – Delicious. The vampire brides clean up good. (Okay, enough about the vampire brides.)

VAN HELSING 31:45 – Vampire bride: “Too bad. So sad.” Seriously? That was a necessary line of dialogue? Even 4 this film, it made me cringe

VAN HELSING 33:40 – Van Helsing just killed one of the vampire brides. The other two flew away. A piece of me has just died inside.

VAN HELSING 34:30 – Villagers: “You killed a vampire!” Carl: “But isn’t that a good thing?”

VAN HELSING 36:00 – Richard Roxburgh as Dracula really chews the scenery, and only needs bad acting to do so. No fangs required.

VAN HELSING 36:50 – Little known fact about vampire brides. Hanging upside down like bats accentuates their boobies.

VAN HELSING 37:50 – Igor just seriously said, “Yes, Master.” They’re really gooing back to the well with this one.

VAN HELSING 39:15 – KBeck: “We Translyvanians always look on the brighter side of death.” Serves the movie industry well, I guess.

VAN HELSING 40:00 – Van Helsing just drugged Kate Beckinsale. Suddenly, he’s creepier than the scenery-chewing Dracula.

VAN HELSING 43:20 – If a brother vampire eats his sister, is that considered incest? (Yeah, I just went there.)

VAN HELSING 44:45 – VH comes back, saying “Anna? Are you all right?” Translation: “Too bad you’re awake after I drugged you.”

VAN HELSING 46:30 – Gravedigger: “It’s never too late to dig graves.” Yeah right. And it’s never to early to start drinking Scotch.

VAN HELSING 47:50 – Say what you want to about Huge Jackman in this movie, but you have to admit… his hair is faaaabulous!

VAN HELSING 49:45 – “Werewolves only shed before their first full moon.” What? I don’t remember that? They’d make awesome pets.

VAN HELSING 50:45 – Kate Beckinsale is very pretty in this film, but her face is so full of botox that she can barely talk.

VAN HELSING 54:00 – VH: “A man with three gorgeous women for 400 years.” Can’t argue with that sex logic, Huge Jackman.

VAN HELSING 55:20 – Supercharged vampire nutsack cocoons. That can’t be good.

VAN HELSING 57:15 – Adorable vampire offspring. This is just like an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

VAN HELSING 59:30 – Apparently Dracula also has Jawas working for him in addition to Igor.

VAN HELSING 1:01:20 – When Jawas attack… in Transylvania.

VAN HELSING 1:03:00 – I think the only actor who could out-cheese Richard Roxburgh in the role of Dracula would be Peter Stromare.

VAN HELSING 1:05:17 – There’s a slight evolutionary flaw when vampire offspring spontaneously explode.

VAN HELSING 1:06:20 – I want my own castle. And my own Frankenstein laboratory. And my own lesbian vampire brides.

VAN HELSING 1:07:45 – It’s raining in Transylvania. Anyone ever consider having a priest bless the clouds so it would just rain holy water?

VAN HELSING 1:09:00 – Woot! Friar Carl just got some strange. Apparently you can do that if you’re a friar.

VAN HELSING 1:13:20 – Giving the Frankenstein monster some humanity is pretty cool. Goes back to the essence of Frankie.

VAN HELSING 1:14:00 – Friar Carl is awesome in this movie. Almost better than KBeck’s ass and the lesbian vampire brides.

VAN HELSING 1:15:15 – Huge Jackman is suddenly not wearing his hat while driving a stagecoach. Presumably to show off his faaaaaabulous hair

VAN HELSING 1:16:20 – Wait a minute. That jumping across horses on a stagecoach stunt was done sans CGI in MAVERICK

VAN HELSING 1:17:45 – One more lesbian vampire bride bites the dust.

VAN HELSING 1:18:15 – Who builds a road that close to a cliff?. What is this, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

VAN HELSING 1:18:45 – Friar Carl’s hair looks surprisingly like John Krasinski’s from The Office.

VAN HELSING 1:19:30 – Huge Jackman busts out the Mario Van Peebles signature shooting-two-guns-in-mid air move.

VAN HELSING – Some movie trivia… one of the lesbian vampire brides (Silvia Colloca) also starred in a film called LESBIAN VAMPIRE HUNTERS

VAN HELSING 1:24:40 – Seriously, the subtitles just said, “SINGING EERIE OPERA.” Which classical composer wrote eerie operas?

VAN HELSING 1:25:45 – KBeck: “You make my skin crawl.” Dracula: “This is not all I could do with your skin.” Even I have to say… Ew!

VAN HELSING 1:28:00 – Is that the Frankenstein’s monster quoting the 23rd Psalm. I’m impressed.

VAN HELSING 1:29:00 – That’s like the third stained glass window that was broken in this film.

VAN HELSING 1:30:45 – Roaring like a werewolf seems to win arguments in this movie. I think I’ll start using that trick in real lfie.

VAN HELSING 1:37:00 – More vampire nutsack cocoons. This is not good.

VAN HELSING 1:37:55 – With his werewolf strength, Van Helsing has bent the foam rubber bars.

VAN HELSING 1:39:00 – Only a werewolf can kill a vampire? Really? Now, they’re just making shit up.

VAN HELSING 1:40:15 – Finally Huge Jackman and KBeck make out. But they still can’t decide whose hair looks the best.

VAN HELSING 1:41:45 – What would Dracula (or Frankenstein originally) do if there were no thunderstorms in the forecast???

VAN HELSING 1:42:30 – That’s the antidote to vampirism? It looks like Austin Powers’ mojo that Dr. Evil stole inthe 2nd movie.

VAN HELSING 1:44:00 – Whoa! The remaining lesbian vampire bride’s mouth just opened Predator-style. That’s worth an extra $50 on Craigslist

VAN HELSING 1:45:00 – Note to self: If making an action movie with Kate Beckinsale, don’t hire a 250-pound man as her stunt double.

VAN HELSING 1:50:00 – And the remaining lesbian vampire just licked KBeck’s face. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

VAN HELSING 1:51:05 – Wow. I’m seriously impressed. It took nearly two hours for Huge Jackman to rip off his shirt and show his chest.

VAN HELSING 1:51:45 – All flaws in the movie aside, the Dracula vs. Van Helsing Werewolf smackdown battle is freaking awesome.

VAN HELSING 1:55:00 – And the last lesbian vampire bride is killed. My hormones weep for them.

VAN HELSING 1:55:30 – Dracula told Van Helsing they could have been partners. Did I swerve in the ending of Tron?

VAN HELSING 1:56:20 – Wow. Dracula seriously just gave Van Helsing the 1-in-the-pink-1-in-the-stink sign.

VAN HELSING 1:57:00 – Aw, now the castle is covered with vampire brood goo.

VAN HELSING 2:01:00 – Now this is one cheesy ending.

VAN HELSING 2:01:50 – So Huge Jackman and Carl ride off into the sunset by Stonehenge (in danger of being trampled by dwarves).

VAN HELSING 2:02:15 – And ROLL CREDITS! I don’t care what anyone else says. This movie was an f*cking blast!

Now if you’ll excuse me, Tweeps, I’m going to try to get @carcarr819 to dress up as a lesbian vampire bride.

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Kevin Carr’s DVD Rundown for 09/15/09

Kevin Carr — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:53:49 +0000

Kevin’s picks on DVD this week: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season Four, The Big Bang Theory: Season Two, Wolverine, Universal Monster Movies and Sanctuary: Season One.

Stinkers of the week: Grey’s Anatomy: Season Five and Private Practice.

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Fat Guys at the Movies » Van Helsing

Second Reel Episode 1 – Halloween Wrap-Up

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