A big thanks to @AronDej for recommending the film.

AUDITION 00:30 – Ahhhh, a sick mom. That’s not going to end well.

AUDITION 01:30 – A dead mother now. Is this a Disney movie?

AUDITION 02:15 – That kid has enough head for two kids… or at least enough bowl cut for two kids.

@biggitio I was introduced to Miike with GOZU. No one does full-grown human birth and extreme geriatric lactation like MIike.

AUDITION 03:55 – “I prefer real life girls to big fish.” Speak for yourself, dude.

AUDITION 04:30 – We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

AUDITION 05:25 – “I don’t know much about ovaries.” Don’t know much trigonometry… Don’t know much about science books…

AUDITION 06:20 – Is anyone else worried that the cute Jack Russell terrier wandering around the apartment is for dessert?

Whoops… beagle. Sorry. Snoopy, not Frasier’s dog.

AUDITION 09:40 – Is the bartender Nicolas Cage? Nope… just the hair threw me off.

AUDITION 11:30 – Looking for a young girl with skills. Who wouldn’t want that?

AUDITION 14:00 – “Smart and well-bred. Obedient and well-trained.” The standards of love.

AUDITION 15:45 – Did they seriously just compare Audrey Hepburn to Julia Roberts???? Isn’t that like comparing Olivier to Pauly Shore?

AUDITION 17:00 – Why are all these head shots of Asian girls? Where’s the diversity?

AUDITION 18:30 – It’s only a matter of time before this guy starts wanking it.

AUDITION 19:35 – Holy crap. That guy is really commited to that scarf look.

AUDITION 24:20 – First girl. Long skirt. Bzzzzzzzzzz! next!

AUDITION 25:05 – Hello, cheerleader crotch. My name is Kevin.

AUDITION 25:30 – “When I was two, my mother decided that I would be an actress.” Ain’t that the truth.

AUDITION 28:15 – Boobies! Thank you very much.

AUDITION 29:00 – Dude, button your shirt? You ain’t the Japanese Fabio or anything.

AUDITION 30:55 – I am convinced the actor actually just got a boner.

AUDITION 33:15 – So why do they call this movie AUDITION? I don’t get the title. #sarcasm

AUDITION 41:10 – This guy is a golf rebel. No clubs for him.

AUDITION 42:20 – Hey friend, it was your idea for the f-ing audition in the first place. Don’t cock-block me.

AUDITION 43:10 – Wow. This girl has about as much meat on her bones as Michael Jackson. (Awwww… too soon?)

AUDITION 46:50 – Well…. everyone’s left the office. Time for porn!

AUDITION 47:50 – That has got to be the most irritating phone ring that I’ve ever heard.

AUDITION 48:10 – Holy crap. What the F was that?

AUDITION 53:00 – That coat is going to eat her head.

AUDITION 55:40 – The teenage son is just a bit too eager for his dad to propose to the wacky audition chick. Hoping for a naked shower shot?

AUDITION 56:40 – Naw… there’s nothing creepy about drinking scotch and staring at the girl half your age.

AUDITION 58:15 – You’re suggesting cheesecake to the 82-pound girl? Duh.

AUDITION 58:45 – Oops… the actor got another boner just then.

AUDITION 1:01:40 – The idea of this guy loving only her is pretty much a possibility since he’s such a freaking loser.

AUDITION 1:03:15 – Forget about losing a kidney. I’d be worried my balls were gone after a night like that.

AUDITION 1:03:50 – Thank you, Takashi Miike for not showing us this guy’s junk.

AUDITION 1:07:15 – The guy’s a producer, no a government agent. Why would he be any help in finding the crazy skinny lady?

AUDITION 1:08:20 – That old ballet studio doesn’t just look like it’s been boarded up. It looks like they’re trying to keep zombines inside.

AUDITION 1:11:40 – That’s Miike, isn’t it? In the fat robe at the piano?

AUDITION 1;12:30 – “Did you smell her?” “Only when she farted.”

AUDITION 1:13:00 – That guy needs to get his glasses checked. He completely missed his mark.

AUDITION 1:14:30 – The Stone Fish looks like an Asian massage parlor. Which makes me wonder if they look the same in Asia as they do in U.S.

AUDITION 1:16:45 – Cat got your tongue? Not any more.

AUDITION 1:18:10 – That is the worst watchdog in the hisotry of Japan.

AUDITION 1:18:55 – Scotch, scotch, scotch. I love scotch. Down into my belly.

AUDITION 1:21:25 – Did someone put a reel in out of order?

AUDITION 1:24:10 – Even in flashbacks, this dude refuses to button up.

AUDITION 1:25:50 – WTF???

AUDITION 1:26:40 – Even the schoolgirl noticed the guy has a perpetual boner.

AUDITION 1:28:00 – It’s good to see that Bobcat Golthwait can still get an acting gig.

AUDITION 1:29:20 – That deformed butt shot was a bit unnecessary.

AUDITION 1:30:45 – Home gynocological exams are not supposed to work like this.

AUDITION 1:32:40 – Did we just flashback into a different movie?

AUDITION 1:33:15 – Now that’s using your head! (forgive me… it had to be said.)

AUDITION 1:34:00 – Yeah, that Snoopy was toast from the beginning.

AUDITION 1:34:15 – She’s got her garb all set for her Hostel Hunting Club.

AUDITION 1:35:50 – This girl is the real Martha Stewart of DIY gynocology and dental hygeine.

AUDITION 1:36:35 – You bitch! That’s my favorite sweater!

AUDITION 1:37:00 – What would have made this movie awesome… if Miike had put a “Based on a True Story” title card at the beginning.

AUDITION 1:37:55 – I don’t think she’s a licensed acupuncturist.

AUDITION 1:39:55 – This is basically the same scene as in Miike’s MASTERS OF HORROR short film IMPRINT…only with some role reversal.

AUDITION 1:43:10 – She makes it look so fun.

AUDITION 1:43:35 – This guy was much more effective of an actor than Carey Elwes.

AUDITION 1:45:00 – Son! Quick! Take your massive Moe Howard hair and ruuuuuun!

AUDITION 1:46:20 – I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

AUDITION 1:49:35 – Wow! Missed every step. That dive gets a 5.0

AUDITION 1:50:30 – He has to tell the kid to call the police? I thought the kid was supposed to be smart.

AUDITION 1:53:00 – And ROLL CREDITS! And call the police, too.

Final thoughts on AUDITION… Never been a big fan of Miike, but it was interesting. Had less going on than other movies and dragged a bit.

Big thanks to @AronDej for live-tweeting along with me on AUDITION!

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Related Reading

• Second Reel Episode 1 – Halloween Wrap-Up
• Kevin’s Live-Tweet of ‘Martyrs’

A big thanks to @simonmiraudo and @antho42 for recommending the film. (And a big thanks to @FakeRobHunter for throwing down his support.)

October Horror Movie Day 23 is… “Martyrs.” @FakeRobHunter assures me this movie will brighten my day. #kevincarr31horrormovies

In the director’s introduction to MARTYRS, he thanks me for watching it and tells me that it might not have been a good decision. Nice.

MARTYRS 01:00 – Normally, I’d like a movie that began with someone running in their underwear, but I don’t think this is that kind of movie.

MARTYRS 04:50 – A dude with a scar questioning the girl. He must be a bad guy, right?

MARTYRS 06:45 – This is easily the creepiest orphanage ever built. Why take a trauma victim here?

MARTYRS 07:50 – Well, that’s not going to help any kid with the thoughts of what’s under the bed.

MARTYRS 08:55 – Oh, pretend sibling rape is funny!

MARTYRS 09:40 – Sending the wife out to fix the septic tank. Who wears the pants in this family?

MARTYRS 10:25 – This family is pretty cavalier about finding a dead mouse in the water main. They’re still eating after finding it. Yum.

MARTYRS 11:15 – An extra $8000 for tutoring? How dumb is this kid?

MARTYRS 12:00 – This is why you look through the peephole first.

MARTYRS 15:15 – She just littered. That’s just wrong.

MARTYRS 17:10 – For efficiency, she really should have chosen a pump action rather than a break action shotgun.

MARTYRS 15:10 – Gollum has seen better days.

MARTYRS 21:15 – At this point in the film, I have no faith in the French social services division.

MARTYRS 23:30 – So at what point did the other girl realize this might have been a bad idea?

MARTYRS 26:20 – “Is this making you sick?” That was the no-duh question of the movie.

MARTYRS 27:25 – Er, sorry. Making out over dead bodies isn’t exactly a turn on.

MARTYRS 30:30 – That’s very responsible of Anna to want to clean up.

MARTYRS 32:20 – Normally, I’m totally into girl fights, but this is f-ed up.

MARTYRS 34:10 – Mmmmmm… pea soup.

MARTYRS 38:30 – You’ve gotta hand it to Lucie. She’s nothing if not tenacious.

MARTYRS 39:20 – Now what did that lamp ever do to you? #ilovelamp

MARTYRS 39:50 – “You think I’m insane too. Just like the doctors.” This is generally not what you want to hear from your crazy friend.

MARTYRS 41:20 – Does anyone else think the apparition kinda looks like Calista Flockhart?

MARTYRS 42:30 – What’s really scary about this movie is that I know someone who reminds me of Lucie.

MARTYRS 42:50 – What’s also really scary about this movie is you know someone in Hollywood prob wants to remake it with Megan Fox.

MARTYRS 47:30 – In retrospect, this is probably one time that the buddy system was a failure.

MARTYRS 48:20 – These are creepy pictures to hang in your house. “Who’s your decorator? Can I have his number?”

MARTYRS 49:20 – A hatch. Suddenly we’re on an episode of LOST.

MARTYRS 50:20 – Well, at least they gave her a bucket. That was very thoughtful.

MARTYRS 52:00 – I should have known something was off with the family after they didn’t blink from finding a mouse in their water system.

MARTYRS 54:45 – Anna fancies herself a MacGyver doctor. A call to 911 might be in order.

MARTYRS 56:50 – Doesn’t Anna know that she shouldn’t leave torture victims alone in the bathtub?

MARTYRS 57:45 – Wow. Didn’t see that comiong.

MARTYRS 1:00:00 – Mass grave right next to the water pipe. Convenient, yes. Sanitary, no.

MARTYRS 1:01:15 – This old broad is all sorts of creepy.

MARTYRS 1:01:35 – The old broad just said she’s impressed by Lucie’s tenacity. That’s exactly what I said.

MARTYRS 1:06:00 – About now, Anna’s thinking she probably shouldn’t have insisted on cleaning up.

MARTYRS 1:08:50 – More pea soup. yum.

MARTYRS 1:12:35 – I wonder what the interview process is to get a job at this place.

MARTYRS 1:14:00 – This is a home-based business that keeps the pea soup industry afloat in France.

MARTYRS 1:15:30 – Wait a minute… those shackles don’t even have keys. Can’t she just open the latch herself?

MARTYRS 1:16:30 – Watching this movie just makes me realize how lame the captivity scenes in V FOR VENDETTA were.

MARTYRS 1:21:35 – It’s good to see that Henry Rollins look-alikes can get work in France.

MARTYRS 1:24:50 – I don’ think that guy’s a real doctor.

MARTYRS 1:25:30 – This movie asks the burning question… how necessary is skin, anyway?

MARTYRS 1:29:00 – Did we just time warp into the ending of KNOWING?

MARTYRS 1:32:50 – It’s a little hypocritical for all these old folks being happy about martyrs that can only happen with young girls.

MARTYRS 1:36:00 – And ROLL CREDITS!

Final thoughts on MARTYRS: Not nearly as disturbing as I was led to believe but definitely out there. Great twisting plot and cool themes.

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• Second Reel Episode 1 – Halloween Wrap-Up
• Second Reel Ep. 12 – Shock Around the Clock 2010
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