On October 19, Kevin live-tweeted the latest mutant cannibal direct-to-DVD horror flick, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
WT3 00:30 – Both ?@RejectRobert and @FakeRobHunter have said this movie isn’t good. I’m giving it a chance to prove them wrong.
WT3 02:00 – So far, it’s just a bunch of people white-water kayaking. That actually looks like someone really frickin’ fun.
WT3 03:10 – It didn’t take long for that girl to get in her bikini, and I’m okay with that.
WT3 03:40 – And boobs show up in the first 4 minutes. Now if the girl with itty bitties would just follow suit.
WT3 04:20 – “Alex Things I’m a slut. Do you think I’m a slut?” Yes, and I’m proud of you for it.
WT3 04:45 – A blink of an eye, a twitch of the lips. The first one who screams gets shot in the tit.
WT3 06:00 – Wow. Movies by the Bang Brothers have more character exposition than this film.
WT3 07:10 – We’re at a West Virginia prison. These movies give WV a bad name.
WT3 09:00 – Ever notice when prisoners in movies get all badass in each others’ faces, it just looks like they’re ready to make out?
WT3 10:10 – Why do people in movie locker rooms always slap each other on the bare backs? I’ve never seen that happen.
WT3 11:20 – Well, Ally the hottie Deputy is always nice… If only the sheriff didn’t look like a child molester.
WT3 13:45 – Overacting scrawny prisoner. This is this actor’s big break. Sad, sad, sad.
WT3 15:20 – Optical greenscreen process for driving scenes only work if it doesn’t look like they’re doing a weather report.
WT3 16:00 – I just realized that with the set-up of a prisoner transfer, there’s very little chance of more boobs. 🙁
WT3 17:00 – “I haven’t seen you since you were about 12,” says the sheriff who looks like a child molester. Not helping his case.
WT3 18:40 – A three-toed mutant, making the most elaborate human traps. They just look like drunks in Halloween masks.
WT3 19:40 – These mutants are the Jawas of Wrong Turn 3, if Jawas were prone to a-rapin’ and a-murderin’
WT3 20:10 – The creepy sheriff seems more interested in the prison guard he knew when he was 12 than the hot little deputy.
WT3 21:50 -A pick-up truck trying to ram a prison transport. “This might be an escape attempt.” Really? Maybe you just left your gas cap off
WT3 23:00 – Just crashed a bus. There’s about 70 percent of the budget right there.
WT3 24:30 – So @AronDej was right. The prisoners are escaping from the bus. And he hasn’t even seen this movie.
WT3 25:15 – Digital blood spurts are lame and stupid. It’s not like they’re a hard practical effect to do. Shame on you, Wrong Turn 3
WT3 26:40 – Holy crap. That was one unstable bus. Why do people always fill cars and buses with dynamite?
WT3 30:20 – “I thought it was just some hillbilly.” Do people still use that term?
WT3 31:00 – The prisoners have now met up with the rafting survivor. The way these storylines weave together is like MAGNOLIA #sarcasm
WT3 31:30 – It shows the true mettle of an actor for how they deliver lines like, “I’m going to make her sit and spin.”
WT3 34:15 – Look at all this money we just found. That’s going to do a lot of good when you’re surrounded by mutant cannibals.
WT3 36:00 – This is just like LORD OF THE FLIES… only who is PIggy?
WT3 36:50 – Probably should have checked to make sure that gun was loaded before you tried to kill someone with it.
WT3 38:50 – Where did these prisoners get the knives? I know where they got the guns, but knives? On a prison transport?
WT3 40:40 – I refuse to believe that enough people come through these woods for the mutants to actually survive on a steady diet of people
WT3 42:30 – I will give the movie credit. That death scene wasn’t bad at all.
WT3 43:20 – Wasn’t there a whole family of mutants in the 1st 2 films? Is this guy the reject of the mutant world?
WT3 44:00 – The skinhead just called the skinny red-head dude a wetback. Guy needs to get his racial slurs right. Makes him sound ignorant
WT3 46:45 – The movie has come to a screeching halt to have a prisoner negotiation. Was that really necessary to know who carries the cash?
WT3 48:40 – Now the movie’s waxing poetic about the fleeting worth of money in various situations.
WT3 49:20 – Couldn’t the production have afforded a better mutant than one that looks like Old Man Smithers from a Scooby Doo episode?
WT3 51:50 – Chavez just said, “You don’t want to see me angry.” If only he would just Hulk out. The movie might be better that way.
WT3 53:00 – The skinhead just sniffed the girls’ hair. But wasn’t she in the woods for 2 days before they met up? Mmmmm… body odor!
WT3 55:20 – Big music cue leading up to…. nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a cut-away back to the prisoners.
WT3 57:50 – Somehow, this girl who has been lost in the woods for 2 days gets cleaner and has more make-up the longer she runs.
WT3 59:40 – I simply refuse to believe that this movie had the budget for only one mutant (and a mini-me mutant).
WT3 1:03:00 – “He’s out there. I can feel him. He’s close.” Is this lady part Betazoid?
WT3 1:03:55 – “Hillbilly? That can’t be?” So the sheriff doesn’t think it’s possible for there to be a hillbilly in the woods of WV?
WT3 1:05:35 – “When’s the air support getting here?” “They’re in the air.” Brought to you by the no-duh rescue team.
WT3 1:08:10 – “It’s gotta be a trap,” regarding the hillbilly honking the horn in the truck, waiting for their approach. No kidding.
WT3 1:10:00 – They cock a lot of guns in this movie. I’m just saying.
WT3 1:10:50 – Since when is licking the face the “in” thing to do in horror movies? That’s the third time I’ve seen that move in a week.
WT3 1:12:10 – Uh, yeah. I’d rather have seen the hot deputy’s boobs in a different context, thank you very much.
WT3 1:14:10 – The cannibal mutant sounds like Snoopy from the Peanuts cartoons. Not sure why, but it’s kinda funny. Where’s Woodstock?
WT3 1:16:30 – Is this meathook murder still happening? I was just distracted by the Klenginem videos on YouTube.
WT3 1:17:20 – No one will be admitted during the breathtaking brain-eating sequence.
WT3 1:20:20 – Leon the dog to the rescue!… or not. Poor puppy.
WT3 1:21:20 – “Is he dead?” “Yeah.” What? He may not be a zombie, but they should follow Rule #2: Double Tap.
WT3 1:23:30 – Like I said… Rule #2
WT3 1:24:40 – Save the hot chick first, of course… even tho she’s the only girl to not get naked in the movie. Artistic merit, bah!
WT3 1:25:50 – Again, apparently all the vehicles in this movie are filled with dynamite.
WT3 1:25:15 – Jesus. Another speech about money and its waning value.
WT3 1:27:40 – *Now* the cops show up? And they can’t even afford a real fire blanket. It looks like a Snuggie, for Pete’s sake!
WT3 1:29:20 – Lame epilogue… and ROLL CREDITS!
Okay, I’m a little cheesed off that Janet Montgomery from WRONG TURN 3 didn’t get naked, but she was naked in SKINS. Lame.
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