On October 3, Kevin live-tweeted Van Helsing, Steven Sommer’s 2004 homage to the classic Universal monster movies, recently released on Blu-ray. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
VAN HELSING 00:20 – No move can be that bad if it starts with angry villagers carrying torches.
VAN HELSING 01:30 – I remember this movie as being a little cheesy, but I like the homage to the old Universal horror movies.
VAN HELSING 02:50 – Have fun storming the castle!
VAN HELSING 04:00 – Digital effects to make vampire teeth make look lame, but there’s a certain coolness about them.
VAN HELSING 04:50 – That leader of the angry villagers looks a little like Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror.
VAN HELSING 05;20 – No shit! They actually have the windmill AND angry villagers. Love the nod to old Universal horror.
VAN HELSING 06:40 – The only thing missing in this sequence is a band of Gypsies.
VAN HELSING 07:30 – Holy crap! Those brides of Dracula are freakin’ hot. It’d be worth the risk to “get with them,” if you know what I mean
VAN HELSING 08:20 – Aaaaaaaand enter HUGE Jackman as the title character in a fully CGI London. Yes, I will admit. He’s a ssexy dude.
VAN HELSING 09:30 – Well, Mr. Hyde is huge and in CGI and smoking a cigar. Is it the Governator in disguise?
VAN HELSING 11:55 – And yes, that would be Mr. Hyde’s butt crack. It’s a coin slot I’d rather not have seen.
VAN HELSING 13:15 – If you’re going to change from monster to mild-mannered scientist, in the middle of free fall is the worst possible time
VAN HELSING 14:45 – I didn’t know that the Vatican had confession booths as cool as Bruce Wayne’s batpoles in the bookcase.
VAN HELSING 16:20 – Boris, King of the Gypsies was just introduced. Holy cow, we have Gypsies now! And one is a hot Kate Beckinsale. Woot!
VAN HELSING 17:50 – Ha ha! Electrocuting people is funny!
VAN HELSING 18:10 – This is the 19th century Q Branch. Van Helsing is stocking up on weapons.
VAN HELSING 19:00 – Brother Carl is an awesome Q for Van Helsing. Blowing shit up with crossbows and glycerin 48.
VAN HELSING 20:15 – Hot damn. Brother Carl is joining Van Helsing in Transylvania.
VAN HELSING 21:20 – CU on Kate Beckinsale’s ass. That’s worth rewinding.
VAN HELSING 22:00 – Tom Savini once told me that he hated CGI werewolves. He’s right most of the time, but this one is wicked cool.
VAN HELSING 24:30 – Carl: “Why do we want to kill this Dracula, anyway?” VH: “Becuase he’s the son of the devil.” C: Besiddes that, I mean?”
VAN HELSING 26:00 – Kate Beckinsale can’t really pull off that Romanian accent, but she has a phenomenal ass. I’ll forgive her.
VAN HELSING 26:20 – And Van Helsing ends up with his face in Kate Beckinsale’s crotch. Them’s the breaks.
VAN HELSING 27:20 – Best flying cow scene this side of TWISTER. Mooooooooooooooo!
VAN HELSING 29:30 – You know… I’d still bang the vampire brides, even with this wings and scaly skin. Yeah, I’d be into that.
VAN HELSING 30:10 – Delicious. The vampire brides clean up good. (Okay, enough about the vampire brides.)
VAN HELSING 31:45 – Vampire bride: “Too bad. So sad.” Seriously? That was a necessary line of dialogue? Even 4 this film, it made me cringe
VAN HELSING 33:40 – Van Helsing just killed one of the vampire brides. The other two flew away. A piece of me has just died inside.
VAN HELSING 34:30 – Villagers: “You killed a vampire!” Carl: “But isn’t that a good thing?”
VAN HELSING 36:00 – Richard Roxburgh as Dracula really chews the scenery, and only needs bad acting to do so. No fangs required.
VAN HELSING 36:50 – Little known fact about vampire brides. Hanging upside down like bats accentuates their boobies.
VAN HELSING 37:50 – Igor just seriously said, “Yes, Master.” They’re really gooing back to the well with this one.
VAN HELSING 39:15 – KBeck: “We Translyvanians always look on the brighter side of death.” Serves the movie industry well, I guess.
VAN HELSING 40:00 – Van Helsing just drugged Kate Beckinsale. Suddenly, he’s creepier than the scenery-chewing Dracula.
VAN HELSING 43:20 – If a brother vampire eats his sister, is that considered incest? (Yeah, I just went there.)
VAN HELSING 44:45 – VH comes back, saying “Anna? Are you all right?” Translation: “Too bad you’re awake after I drugged you.”
VAN HELSING 46:30 – Gravedigger: “It’s never too late to dig graves.” Yeah right. And it’s never to early to start drinking Scotch.
VAN HELSING 47:50 – Say what you want to about Huge Jackman in this movie, but you have to admit… his hair is faaaabulous!
VAN HELSING 49:45 – “Werewolves only shed before their first full moon.” What? I don’t remember that? They’d make awesome pets.
VAN HELSING 50:45 – Kate Beckinsale is very pretty in this film, but her face is so full of botox that she can barely talk.
VAN HELSING 54:00 – VH: “A man with three gorgeous women for 400 years.” Can’t argue with that sex logic, Huge Jackman.
VAN HELSING 55:20 – Supercharged vampire nutsack cocoons. That can’t be good.
VAN HELSING 57:15 – Adorable vampire offspring. This is just like an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
VAN HELSING 59:30 – Apparently Dracula also has Jawas working for him in addition to Igor.
VAN HELSING 1:01:20 – When Jawas attack… in Transylvania.
VAN HELSING 1:03:00 – I think the only actor who could out-cheese Richard Roxburgh in the role of Dracula would be Peter Stromare.
VAN HELSING 1:05:17 – There’s a slight evolutionary flaw when vampire offspring spontaneously explode.
VAN HELSING 1:06:20 – I want my own castle. And my own Frankenstein laboratory. And my own lesbian vampire brides.
VAN HELSING 1:07:45 – It’s raining in Transylvania. Anyone ever consider having a priest bless the clouds so it would just rain holy water?
VAN HELSING 1:09:00 – Woot! Friar Carl just got some strange. Apparently you can do that if you’re a friar.
VAN HELSING 1:13:20 – Giving the Frankenstein monster some humanity is pretty cool. Goes back to the essence of Frankie.
VAN HELSING 1:14:00 – Friar Carl is awesome in this movie. Almost better than KBeck’s ass and the lesbian vampire brides.
VAN HELSING 1:15:15 – Huge Jackman is suddenly not wearing his hat while driving a stagecoach. Presumably to show off his faaaaaabulous hair
VAN HELSING 1:16:20 – Wait a minute. That jumping across horses on a stagecoach stunt was done sans CGI in MAVERICK
VAN HELSING 1:17:45 – One more lesbian vampire bride bites the dust. 🙁
VAN HELSING 1:18:15 – Who builds a road that close to a cliff?. What is this, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?
VAN HELSING 1:18:45 – Friar Carl’s hair looks surprisingly like John Krasinski’s from The Office.
VAN HELSING 1:19:30 – Huge Jackman busts out the Mario Van Peebles signature shooting-two-guns-in-mid air move.
VAN HELSING – Some movie trivia… one of the lesbian vampire brides (Silvia Colloca) also starred in a film called LESBIAN VAMPIRE HUNTERS
VAN HELSING 1:24:40 – Seriously, the subtitles just said, “SINGING EERIE OPERA.” Which classical composer wrote eerie operas?
VAN HELSING 1:25:45 – KBeck: “You make my skin crawl.” Dracula: “This is not all I could do with your skin.” Even I have to say… Ew!
VAN HELSING 1:28:00 – Is that the Frankenstein’s monster quoting the 23rd Psalm. I’m impressed.
VAN HELSING 1:29:00 – That’s like the third stained glass window that was broken in this film.
VAN HELSING 1:30:45 – Roaring like a werewolf seems to win arguments in this movie. I think I’ll start using that trick in real lfie.
VAN HELSING 1:37:00 – More vampire nutsack cocoons. This is not good.
VAN HELSING 1:37:55 – With his werewolf strength, Van Helsing has bent the foam rubber bars.
VAN HELSING 1:39:00 – Only a werewolf can kill a vampire? Really? Now, they’re just making shit up.
VAN HELSING 1:40:15 – Finally Huge Jackman and KBeck make out. But they still can’t decide whose hair looks the best.
VAN HELSING 1:41:45 – What would Dracula (or Frankenstein originally) do if there were no thunderstorms in the forecast???
VAN HELSING 1:42:30 – That’s the antidote to vampirism? It looks like Austin Powers’ mojo that Dr. Evil stole inthe 2nd movie.
VAN HELSING 1:44:00 – Whoa! The remaining lesbian vampire bride’s mouth just opened Predator-style. That’s worth an extra $50 on Craigslist
VAN HELSING 1:45:00 – Note to self: If making an action movie with Kate Beckinsale, don’t hire a 250-pound man as her stunt double.
VAN HELSING 1:50:00 – And the remaining lesbian vampire just licked KBeck’s face. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
VAN HELSING 1:51:05 – Wow. I’m seriously impressed. It took nearly two hours for Huge Jackman to rip off his shirt and show his chest.
VAN HELSING 1:51:45 – All flaws in the movie aside, the Dracula vs. Van Helsing Werewolf smackdown battle is freaking awesome.
VAN HELSING 1:55:00 – And the last lesbian vampire bride is killed. My hormones weep for them.
VAN HELSING 1:55:30 – Dracula told Van Helsing they could have been partners. Did I swerve in the ending of Tron?
VAN HELSING 1:56:20 – Wow. Dracula seriously just gave Van Helsing the 1-in-the-pink-1-in-the-stink sign.
VAN HELSING 1:57:00 – Aw, now the castle is covered with vampire brood goo.
VAN HELSING 2:01:00 – Now this is one cheesy ending.
VAN HELSING 2:01:50 – So Huge Jackman and Carl ride off into the sunset by Stonehenge (in danger of being trampled by dwarves).
VAN HELSING 2:02:15 – And ROLL CREDITS! I don’t care what anyone else says. This movie was an f*cking blast!
Now if you’ll excuse me, Tweeps, I’m going to try to get @carcarr819 to dress up as a lesbian vampire bride.
Follow Kevin on…