On October 28, Kevin live-tweeted the Clive Barker short story adaptation, The Midnight Meat Train, a favorite among the critics in Columbus, Ohio. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
A big thanks to @Fozziebare for recommending the film. (And a big kudos to @scottEweinberg for providing an excellent quote for the DVD cover.)
October Horror Movie Day 28 is… “Midnight Meat Train.” This movie is very popular among Columbus-area critics. #kevincarr31horrormovies
Ready to live-tweet the Clive Barker horror flick THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. Follow me at Twitter.com/kevincarr (pressing PLAY at 3 a.m. ET)
MEAT TRAIN 00:45 – The opening credits start out like the title card for ROGUE Pictures. Is Lionsgate inadvertantly promoting another studio
MEAT TRAIN 01:30 – If I had a nickel for every time I slipped in a pool of blood on a subway…
MEAT TRAIN 03:00 – Why is that guy from THE HANGOVER taking my picture so close?
MEAT TRAIN 04:10 – Leslie Bibb is looking particularly nice in this movie.
MEAT TRAIN 04:50 – This guy is like Peter Parker, without the super powers and winning personality.
MEAT TRAIN 05:30 – Why is it not surprising that a guy named Jurgis would have “fancy art world friends”?
MEAT TRAIN 06:30 – Those paintings definitely look like Clive Barker painted them.
MEAT TRAIN 07:30 – Is that Brooke Shields as the “fancy art world friend”? I wonder if Tom Cruise will show up to berate her.
MEAT TRAIN 09:30 – It was all a dream… or was it?
MEAT TRAIN 10:00 – A frigid Leslie Bibb could be a turn-off. But a horny L. Bibb who always wants sex & sleeps w/ your hand in her crotch?
MEAT TRAIN 11:45 – Bradley Cooper: Badass!
MEAT TRAIN 12:45 – Is part of this movie dubbed? Or is it just bad ADR?
MEAT TRAIN 13:50 – If I were a hot chick riding a late-night subway, I’d use the WHALE WARS technique of bathing in butyric acid.
MEAT TRAIN 14:55 – The fact that his girlfriend told him to show the crime photos to the art chick and not the police is a bad sign.
MEAT TRAIN 15:30 – The fact this guy brings tofu into a diner for a specialty sandwich means he needs to die.
MEAT TRAIN 17:40 – This lady is the worst cop ever.
MEAT TRAIN 18:45 – Apparently Brooke Shields IS the kind of girl to say “Whoa.”
MEAT TRAIN 19:50 – Gotta go find some more violent crime in the city to photograph. Toodles!
MEAT TRAIN 20:25 – Not to be superficial, but moles are not sexy if they stand out a half-inch from your face.
MEAT TRAIN 21:10 – Ted Raimi has the best… death scene… ever!
MEAT TRAIN 21:35 – If you’re gonna wear stilletos, be sure not to trip on your friend’s optic nerve.
MEAT TRAIN 22:50 – That has got to be the Thor’s hammer of mallets to decapitate with such efficiency.
MEAT TRAIN 24:50 – And now Bradley Cooper can get a picture of himself wetting his pants.
MEAT TRAIN 25:35 – A darkroom? When does this movie take place? The 1970s? Get photoshop already, man.
MEAT TRAIN 27:10 – Even getting dressed, Vinnie Jones is a badass.
MEAT TRAIN 28:00 – You know, Vinnie Jones has to have at least a couple rolls of Bounty in his bag. That’s a lot of blood to clean up.
MEAT TRAIN 29:50 – Whoa (as Brooke Shields would say)! When did this turn into a music video?
MEAT TRAIN 30:40 – Denied by the most oblivious security officer in the entire underground.
MEAT TRAIN 31:10 – And welcome the Jim Brown look-alike!
MEAT TRAIN 32:00 – Dexter would have a field day with this train.
MEAT TRAIN 34:00 – The most unromantic way to propose you’ll propose to your girlfriend. This guy is a douche.
MEAT TRAIN 34:45 – I could have done without Bradley Cooper blowing Leslie Bibb’s finger. Ew.
MEAT TRAIN 35:30 – That’s it. I’m calling the Health Department on this diner.
MEAT TRAIN 36:20 – *Now* Vinnie Jones puts on an apron? (Oh wait… another dream)
MEAT TRAIN 35:40 – All these tunnel shots makes me wonder if Lex Luthor is hiding behind the walls.
MEAT TRAIN 37:10 – I am never eating sausage pizza again.
MEAT TRAIN 38:00 – Vinnie Jones has the most successful strategy to get people to NOT look in his medicine cabinet… fill it with tumors.
MEAT TRAIN 40:10 – Is it really that easy to sneak into a slaughterhouse? I’ll have to try it some time.
MEAT TRAIN 40:50 – Aaaaaaand… Bradley Cooper crapped his pants again.
MEAT TRAIN 43:20 – Hey buddy, I hate to break it to you, but I banged my girlfriend at that very spot where you’re eating.
MEAT TRAIN 45:00 – How do you explain to your girlfriend that you are conspicuously stalking a psychotic butcher?
MEAT TRAIN 47:10 – This movie’s plot is very similar to MOTEL HELL, only it takes place in a big city… and there’s no one in a pig’s head
MEAT TRAIN 48:30 – Listen buddy… when Leslie Bibb asks you to take nude photos of her… you… say… YES!
MEAT TRAIN 49:30 – In case anyone’s wondering I’m pretty sure there was some side-boobage of Leslie Bibb. Make mental note to rewind later.
MEAT TRAIN 52:00 – Crap. Those kids are actually selling real candy. Go figure.
MEAT TRAIN 52:30 – Aw… the trashy tattooed chick got off the train. I like trashy tattooed chicks.
MEAT TRAIN 54:00 – Taking all these pictures in such low light without a flash? Is he using 8000 speed film or something?
MEAT TRAIN 54:50 – Corpse or not… pulling teeth and fingernails always makes me queasy.
MEAT TRAIN 56:00 – Uh, where exactly are you running? You’re on a freakin’ train!
MEAT TRAIN 59:00 – “Leon! What’s the matter?” Apparently he needs to go poopy. Hiding in the bathroom like that.
MEAT TRAIN 1:00:00 – Honey, that carving on your chest looks nothing like the symbol for the Greatest American Hero.
MEAT TRAIN 1:01:00 – I’m not supposed to think in a horror movie, but why doesn’t anyone notice that everyone dies after taking that train?
MEAT TRAIN 1:03:15 – Roger Bart is NOT the guy you want to have your back on a late-night break-in.
MEAT TRAIN 1:05:00 – And she looks in the medicine cabinet to find his collection of self-excised sausage tumors. Ew.
MEAT TRAIN 1:08:20 – Seriously? We just had the hot chick trip and fall while running away?
MEAT TRAIN 1:09:00 – I’m pretty sure I just saw Vinnie Jones’ junk.
MEAT TRAIN 1:09:50 – I’m pretty sure when that police lady takes her top off, we’ll see a badly copied Greatest American Hero shield.
MEAT TRAIN 1:12:45 – Holy pig knuckles! Did he just say, “I have a train to catch”? Is this a Roger Moore James Bodn movie?
MEAT TRAIN 1:15:30 – This movie dares to ask the question: “Is there such a thing as too many knives?”
MEAT TRAIN 1:18:40 – Are you allowed to have two different characters yell, “Noooooo!” within minutes of each other?
MEAT TRAIN 1:19:40 – There was someone’s boobs. I guess she came on the train late.
MEAT TRAIN 1:20:00 – You missed shooting him? From 10 feet away? Twice? You deserve to die at this point.
MEAT TRAIN 1:21:20 – Again, I know I’m not supposed to think.. but why has no one noticed this car of hanging corpses?
MEAT TRAIN 1:22:00 – Lend you a hand?
MEAT TRAIN 1:22:20 – A Vinnie Jones movie just isn’t complete with a head-butt moment.
MEAT TRAIN 1:23:50 – Wow… that’s a lot of blood, even for a disembowelment. He must have drank some Hawaiian punch before he was killed.
MEAT TRAIN 1:27:00 – So apparently the green line ends in the cave from the movie THE DESCENT.
MEAT TRAIN 1:28:00 – Vinnie Jones looks pissed off, as well he should be with all the facial scarring and such.
MEAT TRAIN 1:29:10 – This is like a pro wrestling match. Someone throw a chair!
MEAT TRAIN 1:30:50 – Finally found someone in a horror movie that observes Rule #2: Double Tap!
MEAT TRAIN 1:31:30 – Cat got your tongue? Nope… just a cannibalistic conductor.
MEAT TRAIN 1:32:20 – He’s taking this whole tongue-ripping business pretty well.
MEAT TRAIN 1:33:00 – Again with the “Noooooooo!” scream. I realize it’s upsetting, but have some originality.
MEAT TRAIN 1:35:00 – Even here, Bradly Cooper is really only about 40% of the badass that Vinnie Jones was.
MEAT TRAIN 1:35:30 – And ROLL CREDITS!
Final thoughts on THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN: Lots of gore. Not much story. Gorehounds will like it, even with the goofy-ass ending.
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