On October 8, Kevin live-tweeted the French extreme horror flick Inside, released in an unrated version by Dimension Extreme. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
Pressing PLAY on INSIDE and wondering if it’s a bad idea that I’m eating Chef Boyardee beef ravioli while I watch this…
INSIDE 00:00 – Just got the “This DVD intended for sale only” warning, reminding me that the Weinsteins are big douchebags.
INSIDE 00:45 – When I heard this movie started inside a woman’s parts, I was thinking of something totally different.
INSIDE 01:20 – Car crash. Look for Halle Berry running away.
INSIDE 02:45 – So far, all I’ve got from this movie is that women can’t drive. (Aw, no he didnnt!)
INSIDE 03:45 – Watching credits reminds me that I watched my wife give birth to all 3 of my sons. Miracle of life, bah! It was terrifying!
INSIDE 05:45 – It’s always a good idea to light your OB-GYN office with creepy blue lighting. That calms the mother, of course.
INSIDE 07:15 – This is the worst nurse in the history of French hospitals. Telling a preg woman how awful labor, then smoking.
INSIDE 07:50 – Awesome. She called the cancer-stick nurse a twat, and we’re not even 10 minutes in.
INSIDE 08:30 – Yeah, I’m watching this with English dubs. It’s late and I’m lazy. Twat!
INSIDE 15:50 – Apparently she owns only a couple light bulbs. Her house looks like her gyno’s office.
INSIDE 16:55 – Holy cats! That’s one impressive vomit sequence. And she’s not even in college!
INSIDE 18:30 – Creepy voice at the door. At least she’s not stupidly opening up… at least not yet.
INSIDE 19:30 – This is why you own a dog. That black cat ain’t gonna do jack crap for you in this situation.
INSIDE 21:00 – Included with the “women can’t drive” message, apparently it also says “smoking kills”
INSIDE 23:00 – This lady should seriously start considering a digital camera. It just takes too long to develop photos of her stalker.
INSIDE 23:45 – I gotta say I love the minimalist music so far. Simple tones work so well in horror, ala HALLOWEEN and JAWS
INSIDE 25:00 – French cop: “Nobody around. I’m sure she left.” These cops are geniuses.
INSIDE 26:00 – Ah, now the cat comes sniffing around. Probably dinner time. It didn’t seem to care when the stalker was outside.
INSIDE 26:50 – Oh shit. Now that’s f-ing creepy.
INSIDE 27:50 – Wow. This lady has more pills lying around than any pregnant woman should ever have.
INSIDE 28:40 – Oh, don’t mind me. I like watching you while you sleep. (I knew a girl like that back in the day.)
INSIDE 29:20 – This is like the really, really, really evil version of Mary Poppins.
INSIDE 30:20 – High heel shoes are generally frowned upon when sneaking through people’s houses.
INSIDE 31:00 – Uh-oh. A pair of scissors. That was on the DVD image. This is not going to end well.
INSIDE 31:50 – Well, at least she’s sterilizing them. After all, she is a professinoal.
INSIDE 32:20 – Wow. That’s f-ed up.
INSIDE 33:00 – Blimey! That’s a big bathroom.
INSIDE 34:20 – Well, it’s a good thing I finished my Chef Boyardee ravioli a half hour ago.
INSIDE 35:50 – She’s still got a nice caboose for a pregnant lady. (yeah, I went there.)
INSIDE 36:30 – Wow. That’s one mannish stalker.
INSIDE 38:10 – Yup, go for the knitting needle. That always works in horror movies.
INSIDE 39:30 – Good aim. Bad mistake.
INSIDE 40:00 – You know… this film has some interesting similarities to THE STRANGERS from last year (or rather the other way around)
INSIDE 41:00 – Uh… I don’t even know what to say about that, except those are some damn versatile scissors.
INSIDE 42:20 – Scissors as a weapon = effective. Pillow as a weapon = non-effective. Scissors + pillow = surprisingly effective.
INSIDE 44:00 – Time for a smoke break. It always calms me down after brutal murders.
INSIDE 44:30 – Again, a reminder that cats are bloody awful guard pets.
INSIDE 45:15 – Rwouch!
INSIDE 46:00 – You know… the shots of the baby in the womb would be enhanced with a little Bruce Willis voice over, dontcha think?
INSIDE 46:45 – Where can I get a pair of scissors like that? It’s as awesome as the battery in the camera in CLOVERFIELD.
INSIDE 47:20 – “What kind of man would F a maniac like you?” Plenty. You’d be surprised.
INSIDE 48:30 – The cops in this movie obviously went to the police academy where they send small-town horror movie sheriffs in America.
INSIDE 49:20-See if her head’s on her pillow? At this rate, her head WILL be on her pillow… and her body will be on the couch. ba-da-bing!
INSIDE 50:30 – Sudddenly there’s a dozen lamps in the house? Did the maniac woman find some and set them out?
INSIDE 51:00 – Mrs. Scarangela? Is she related to the James Bond villain Scaramonga?
INSIDE 51:40 – Why is it cheaper to run a washing machine at night? This makes no sense.
INSIDE 52:10 – Don’t stick your hand through a hole in the door for the same reason why you don’t stick it in moray eel-infested coral reefs
INSIDE 53:00 – Oh yuh… this lady ain’t pregnant. We learnt about details like this in crappy police academy.
INSIDE 53:45 – Jeepers. This lady is like Inspector Gadget!
INSIDE 54:40 – Zoinks! I wasn’t expecting that. Good show, French horror people!
INSIDE 55:30 – If the French army had this lady working for them, the Nazis would have never invaded their country.
INSIDE 56:00 – Well, this kid’s definitely not a terrorist. He doesn’t have the stomach for it.
INSIDE 1:02:50 – Smoke break.
INSIDE 1:04:00 – Cripes! I haven’t seen that since WARLOCK. Nice move, preggo!
INSIDE 1:05:45 – The most impressive thing…. this bitch is doing it all in heels!
INSIDE 1:06:25 – This climax includes a distinct BLAZING SADDLES homage. Think about it…. there you go.
INSIDE 1:07:20 – Wow. The SFX broke down on that, but it was still one badass move.
INSIDE 1:08:45 – Duct tape. 1001 uses.
INSIDE 1:09:45 – Okay. Now she’s pissed. (heh heh… i almost wrote “now she’s pizza,” which isn’t necessarily inaccurate w/ make-up)
INSIDE 1:12:30 – That guy just doesn’t look healthy.
INSIDE 1:14:00 – I know technically it would be correct, but I would not characterize this as “natural childbirth.”
INSIDE 1:16;00 – If I were the director of this, I would f-ing sue Shonda Rimes. That bitch freaking ripped this off.
INSIDE 1;17:30 – I’ve seen both V-births and C-sections, and I have to say… this movie ain’t got nothing on them in terms of gore.
INSIDE 1:18:40 – And ROLL CREDITS! I think I’ll re-watch this with @carcarr819 when she’s pregnant w/ child #4. Good idea?
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