On November 11, Kevin came back to the present to live-tweet this summer’s I Love You, Beth Cooper, directed by Chris Columbus. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
A big thanks to @gmanreviews for recommending the film.
Turkey #3 is… “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” recently released on DVD and Blu-ray.#kevincarrtweetsturkeys
BETH COOPER 00:30 – From 1492 Pictures, reminding us that Chris Columbus made good HP movies… until Alfonse Curon showed him how to do it.
BETH COOPER 00:40 – Fox Atomic made this movie. Isn’t that studio arm defunct now?
BETH COOPER 01:30 – The opening song conveys the severe mediocrity of high school graduation songs.
BETH COOPER 02:20 – How many high school kids are actually obsessed with Humphrey Bogart?
BETH COOPER 02:50 – This principal is a PILF… a principal I’d like to… well, you get the idea.
BETH COOPER 04:35 – I know Hayden Panties is over 18, but she still looks like she’s about 14 years old, and that’s kinda creepy.
BETH COOPER 06:00 – I’ve known some stuck-up bitches in my life, and they don’t feel empty inside. They just think they’re better than you.
BETH COOPER 07:15 – NOW is when the PILF breaks up the speech?
BETH COOPER 08:20 – Does a hot PILF from a nothing high school really have that much power over a Stanford scholarship?
BETH COOPER 09:45 – Personally, I prefer the graduation scene from PORKY’S REVENGE to this.
BETH COOPER 10:30 – The tank top and cut-offs are supposed to look sexy on Hayden Panties, but it just looks pervy to me.
BETH COOPER 12:05 – Wow. Those shorts are so small and tight on Hayden Panties you can see her duodenum.
BETH COOPER 13:50 – Apparently, this movie is saying that in the past, everyone had acne, no matter how old they are now.
BETH COOPER 14:30 – This conversation goes to show that no matter how nerdy you are, there’s always someone you think is nerdier than you
BETH COOPER 15:10 – If you charge your kid for “wear and tear on your mother,” it’s your fault for not paying for the episiotomy.
BETH COOPER 16:50 – I don’t know about you, but I always get laid when I wear my lucky Spider-Man underpants.
BETH COOPER 17:00 – Did Cameron from FERRIS BEULLER’S DAY OFF just say “shindizzle”? Crap, the apocalypse has started.
BETH COOPER 18:30 – Here’s the one and only f-bomb. A RISKY BUSINESS call-back.
BETH COOPER 19:20 – Why does the dad tell him where his condoms are? How hard is it for a high schooler to buy condoms nowadays?
BETH COOPER 20:00 – More trying to make Hayden Panties look hot and sexy. She barely looks pubescent.
BETH COOPER 21:00 – This awkward non-party is just painful to watch… partly b/c it’s annoying. partly because I could have done this.
BETH COOPER 22:00 – I hate these guys. Condoms or not, they should never get laid.
BETH COOPER 22:50 – Cristal is the “drink of the pimps”? You mean Cristal sponsors pimps like Coke sponsors the Olympics?
BETH COOPER 24:15 – The difference b/w high schoolers & adults is that high schoolers will drink champagne with a little bit of blood in it.
BETH COOPER 25:50 – Second boner joke of the movie. Whoopie!
BETH COOPER 26:35 – “Wine reminds me of Jesus.” Really? That’s why the lush slut doesn’t like wine?
BETH COOPER 28:00 – Maybe it’s the parent in me talking, but why doesn’t this idiot kid call 911?
BETH COOPER 28:45 – Anyone who identifies a movie, it’s star, it’s director and the year of release on command like that is a douche.
BETH COOPER 30:15 – Only real lightsabers are intimidating. Toys aren’t. Ever.
BETH COOPER 31:45 – This movie is what SUPERBAD would have been if it had been neutered.
BETH COOPER 32:50 – The army buddies aren’t like Cyborgs, dude. They’re like rejects from a community theater production of WEST SIDE STORY.
BETH COOPER 34:40 – This movie’s title should have been, “You’re a Psycho Whore-bag, Beth Cooper.”
BETH COOPER 36:00 – So the parents are parked and making out in the car. Isn’t this what cheap motels are for?
BETH COOPER 37:50 – Sorry people. All car-singing scenes should be outlawed after WAYNES WORLD and THAT 70S SHOW set the bar so high.
BETH COOPER 40:10 – Twelve beers for five people? That’s kind apointless.
BETH COOPER 42:00 – Hayden panties making out for beer is just way past icky.
BETH COOPER 43:25 – If this “I’m not gay” kid quotes another movie and identifies the main details form IMDb, I’m going to punch the TV.
BETH COOPER 44:10 – Wow. The slapstick attempts in this movie are awful… and they rip off THE HANGOVER.
BETH COOPER 45:00 – Two girls and guy go to pee in the woods. Now we got a movie going. Too bad we’re still listening to Hayden Panties talk
BETH COOPER 46:20 – Cow tipping scene. Best done in HEATHERS, Winona Ryder and Christian Slater, directed by Michael Lehmann, 1988.
BETH COOPER 48:40 – Duh… you have to let the cow fall asleep before you tip it. I grew up in Ohio (tho have never been cow tipping)
BETH COOPER 50:00 – The “I’m not gay” kid is way too into his shoes. Who is he? Carrie Bradshaw?
BETH COOPER 51:45 – How small is this town anyway? What are the chances of finding you parents having sex while parked? Hopefully small.
BETH COOPER 55:00 – Is it creepy for a father to have glamour shots of his hot daughter on the walls of his study. Ick.
BETH COOPER 57:45 – Here’s one point I hated about this movie…the guy is an ass to the lesser popular girl, being as bad as Beth is to him
BETH COOPER 59:20 – Okay, “I’m not gay” dude… Ernst Bloefeld wasn’t in every Bond movie. Only 5 real ones, plus unsaid in 1 & NSNA.
BETH COOPER 1:00:55 – Why is the pervy coach at this party? And why isn’t he in jail with Jeffrey Jones?
BETH COOPER 1:03:10 – Fighting in real life would be so much easier if people just waited for you to punch them, like in the movies.
BETH COOPER 1:05:00 – Why does the head cheerleader have a key to the school *after* graduation?
BETH COOPER 1:05:40 – The barefoot cheerleader scene was just ruined by the “I’m not gay” dude joining in.
BETH COOPER 1;06:30 – And here’s the point where Beth Cooper realizes her best days are behind her and she’s gonna get fat.
BETH COOPER 1:07:00 – Reason number 863 why I hate this movie… When 3 cheerleaders invite you to shower with them, YOU SAY YES!
BETH COOPER 1:07:45 – Side boob on the lush slut and a hint from Hayden Panties. That’s the best we’re gonna get from this movie.
BETH COOPER 1:08:50 – You don’t convince a guy to hop in the shower with 3 cheerleaders by quoting DEAD POET’S SOCIETY. Seriously.
BETH COOPER 1:09:30 – Why is a shot of Hayden’s “Hello” panties treated with such tenderness?
BETH COOPER 1:12:30 – The wet-towel fight isn’t going very far to convince anyone the “I’m not gay” dude isn’t gay.
BETH COOPER 1:14:30 – Does it count as a downer if the kid finds out *again* that Beth Cooper is a stuck up snot?
BETH COOPER 1:15:50 – Tampons up the nose. Not funny in movies any more. Never thought I’d ever have to say that.
BETH COOPER 1:17:50 – If I had to choose among the cheerleaders, it’d be the black chick. She’s cute… and over 25 years old.
BETH COOPER 1:18:35 – “It was the way other girls looked at me when I was with him.” Yeah, that’s depth of character for you.
BETH COOPER 1:20:00 – How do you grow up in a crappy town in the midwest and not know that raccoons aren’t to be trifled with?
BETH COOPER 1:22:15 – Poop. Here we go with a tender moment. Bleh.
BETH COOPER 1:23:10 – I just punched the TV. He gave the info again for a full movie. I was contractually obligated to do it.
BETH COOPER 1:23:50 – Booze, guns, teenagers and peeing of the pants. I wish this movie went more for *this* kind of ending.
BETH COOPER 1:26:00 – Hmmm… If I told two hot ladies that I was gay, would they have a three-way with me to prove me wrong? Love to try it
BETH COOPER 1:27:00 – Why does he need latex sheets?
BETH COOPER 1:28:35 – “Why weren’t you in drama club?” “Social survival.” Exactly. The movie continues to condemn involvement in the arts
BETH COOPER 1:30:00 – He’s telling Beth she’ll have an amazing life. But we know she’ll be pregnant by 20 and living in a trailer park.
BETH COOPER 1:32:55 – “We should do this again sometime.” Yeah, in the sequel, I SORT-OF TOLERATE YOU, BETH COOPER.
BETH COOPER 1:34:00 – “See you at the reunion.” Hope you don’t get fat.
BETH COOPER 1:35:20 – “It’s not stalkiing if you love the person.” Tell that to Justin Timberlake.
BETH COOPER 1:35:40 – And ROLL CREDITS!
Checking out the Alternate Ending to the movie…
Erm… yeah… the BETH COOPER alternative ending wasn’t any better than the theatrical ending.
Final thoughts on I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER: Good idea but pulled too many punches. Also stepped on its own message too many times.
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