On Friday, October 9, Kevin live-tweeted the latest Sam Raimi film Drag Me to Hell. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
DRAG ME TO HELL 00:15 – Awesome retro Universal opening logo. Gotta love the throwback.
DRAG ME TO HELL 01:30 – Stealing from an old gypsy woman? That’s got bad idea written all over it.
DRAG ME TO HELL 02:20 – This is already a loud-ass movie. And it begins with some horror slapstick.
DRAG ME TO HELL 03:15 – All that just for stealing a necklace? What would she have done if the kid had kicked her in the taint?
DRAG ME TO HELL 05:50 – “There is no friction with the proper diction.” That’s not as dirty as it sounds.
DRAG ME TO HELL 07:25 – I wonder if this bank she works for was part of the bailout. The gypsy curse bailout, that is.
DRAG ME TO HELL 08:55 – Foreshadowing… if you’ve seen it already, you know.
DRAG ME TO HELL 09:00 – Did Justin Long just slap Alison Lohman on the ass? Cheeky monkey!
DRAG ME TO HELL 11:00 – Gnarliest. Fingers. Ever… and she apparently has swine flu. Green loogie. Delicious.
DRAG ME TO HELL 11:30 – The old gypsy woman “made every payment until this sickness took my eye.” What was her job? Looking at things?
DRAG ME TO HELL 13:15 – Oh, pardon me while I stick my dentures back in my mouth. Ew.
DRAG ME TO HELL 13:30 – So the old gypsy woman has yellow, rotting dentures. Who buys these? From the discount denture store?
DRAG ME TO HELL 14:55 – That upskirt shot of Alison Lohman was totally ruined by the old gypsy woman sniffing at her hemline.
DRAG ME TO HELL 15:40 – How many fat security guards does it take to throw a gypsy out of a bank? The answer: 2.
DRAG ME TO HELL 17:40 – Note to self: If you want to sneak up on someone… don’t hack up green loogies in the process.
DRAG ME TO HELL 18:05 – Oh my god! A handkerchief! How horrirfying!
DRAG ME TO HELL 18:45 – The Los Angeles stapler massacre.
DRAG ME TO HELL 19:40 – TOUCHDOWN! Six points for gypsy ladies in the dashboard.
DRAG ME TO HELL 19:45 – This is not what I like in terms of girl-on-girl action.
DRAG ME TO HELL 20:50 – “I beat you, you old bitch!” Probably not the time to taunt.
DRAG ME TO HELL 25:15 – “I’m Ram Jaas, seer.” I’m going to announce myself that way when I enter a room. “I’m Kevin Carr. Awesome dude.”
DRAG ME TO HELL 27:15 – Going to a fortune teller RE the gypsy. I’d rather they use him to contact Billy Mays and get some Chipotle-away.
DRAG ME TO HELL 30:00 – What a mensch. JLong leaves ALohman alone in a spooky house and tells her cat to take care of her. He’s a keeper.
DRAG ME TO HELL 31:10 – Oh, I get it… she was fat as a kid. Well, we all have our demons. Now she has two.
DRAG ME TO HELL 31:30 – I will say that the movie loses a bit not in a Dolby theater, but the sound is still awesome on BD.
DRAG ME TO HELL 32:40 – The cat is getting the F out of there. Good choice, pussy.
DRAG ME TO HELL 33:40 – This is just like the Barbara Hershey movie “The Entity” only funny and without the demon rape.
DRAG ME TO HELL 37:00 – Digitial fly up the nose. Nasty.
DRAG ME TO HELL 37:50 – Wow. Do they give Academy Awards for Best Vomit Scene in a Feature Film? They should, and this movie should win.
DRAG ME TO HELL 39:15 – ALohman to Stu-douche: “I have a lot on my mind right now.” AKA: “I need to vomit up a bucket of flies and maggots.”
DRAG ME TO HELL 40:00 – “Get your filthy pig knuckle off my desk!” I never thought I’d ever hear someone say that.
DRAG ME TO HELL 40:30 – I think that might have been a scene enhanced in the director’s cut. I don’t remember that much blood.
DRAG ME TO HELL 43:45 – Okay. That’s just not sanitary.
DRAG ME TO HELL 44:15 – Did they actually embalm the old bird, or did they just pour embalming fluid in her stomach?
DRAG ME TO HELL side note: Bojana Novakovic as the gypsy woman’s daughter is a treat. She’s worth an uncensored Google Image search.
DRAG ME TO HELL 48:15 – Nice iPhone product placement, Sam Raimi.
DRAG ME TO HELL 49:30 – You know what this movie needs? A nice crucifix-masturbation scene. That and Marc Singer.
DRAG ME TO HELL 50:00 – “Here kitty, kitty.” That line cracked up the audience when I saw it this summer. Still cracks me up now.
DRAG ME TO HELL 51:30 – Damn. Alison Lohman looks nice in that yellow dress. I’m just sayin’
DRAG ME TO HELL 57:00 – That’s funny. I didn’t bake *that* in the cake.
DRAG ME TO HELL 57:20 – The cake scene kinda reminds me of the pudding scene from DEAD ALIVE.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:02:15 – Who has an anvil? Hanging from the ceiling, no less? Awesome.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:03:00 – So apparently the “unrated” parts of this movie include digital effects overlaid on the original cut. Looks cheap.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:06:40 – I need a manservant like Milos here. He’s creepy AND helpful.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:07:30 – The medium’s husband built this house because it was a gateway to another world. That’s just stupid.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:08:00 – Who brings a goat to a seance? Do they think this is Wal-Mart? (go to www.peopleofwalmart.com if you don’t get it)
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:09:20 – What? The goat doesn’t get to hold anyone’s hand?
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:10:30 – I don’t care what’s going on, but I will never chant, “I welcome the dead into my soul.” Never.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:11:45 – Well, that was just lame. Did we suddenly swerve into the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland?
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:13:20 – I think that Manservant Milos just pooed himself.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:15:00 – The goat is awesome: “You black-hearted whooooooore.” Bleating whore. Awesome.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:16:30 – This scene reminds me of the “I Love to Laugh” scene from MARY POPPINS. Sort of.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:22:20 – Uh, lady. Just because the old guy’s close to death doesn’t mean he needs to burn in hell.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:24:45 – That’s right, Stu. You dodged a bullet. Now for the loophole.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:25:50 – Again, attacked by the scariest handkerchief every woven.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:26:40 – ALohman has deep-throated more things in this film: gypsy lady arm, handkerchiefs, flies, embalming fluid…
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:28:00 – the best part of the graveyard scene: ALohman’s boobies in a wet t-shirt.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:29:40 – Is there no security in this graveyard? Is it really that easy to dig up a grave? Let me try it this weekend.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:32:00 – Get ready for the greatest train depot scene since HOSTEL.
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:34:00 – Best. Ending. Ever. (and Justin Long can act)
DRAG ME TO HELL 1:34:20 – And ROLL CREDITS! (congrats to @carcarr819 for sticking with the whole film!)
Final word on DRAG ME TO HELL… A hell of a lot of fun. Horror elements, but more comedy. Looney Tunes do demonic possession.
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