On October 31, Kevin live-tweeted the Takashi Miike extreme horror flick, Audition Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
A big thanks to @AronDej for recommending the film.
AUDITION 00:30 – Ahhhh, a sick mom. That’s not going to end well.
AUDITION 01:30 – A dead mother now. Is this a Disney movie?
AUDITION 02:15 – That kid has enough head for two kids… or at least enough bowl cut for two kids.
@biggitio I was introduced to Miike with GOZU. No one does full-grown human birth and extreme geriatric lactation like MIike.
AUDITION 03:55 – “I prefer real life girls to big fish.” Speak for yourself, dude.
AUDITION 04:30 – We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
AUDITION 05:25 – “I don’t know much about ovaries.” Don’t know much trigonometry… Don’t know much about science books…
AUDITION 06:20 – Is anyone else worried that the cute Jack Russell terrier wandering around the apartment is for dessert?
Whoops… beagle. Sorry. Snoopy, not Frasier’s dog.
AUDITION 09:40 – Is the bartender Nicolas Cage? Nope… just the hair threw me off.
AUDITION 11:30 – Looking for a young girl with skills. Who wouldn’t want that?
AUDITION 14:00 – “Smart and well-bred. Obedient and well-trained.” The standards of love.
AUDITION 15:45 – Did they seriously just compare Audrey Hepburn to Julia Roberts???? Isn’t that like comparing Olivier to Pauly Shore?
AUDITION 17:00 – Why are all these head shots of Asian girls? Where’s the diversity?
AUDITION 18:30 – It’s only a matter of time before this guy starts wanking it.
AUDITION 19:35 – Holy crap. That guy is really commited to that scarf look.
AUDITION 24:20 – First girl. Long skirt. Bzzzzzzzzzz! next!
AUDITION 25:05 – Hello, cheerleader crotch. My name is Kevin.
AUDITION 25:30 – “When I was two, my mother decided that I would be an actress.” Ain’t that the truth.
AUDITION 28:15 – Boobies! Thank you very much.
AUDITION 29:00 – Dude, button your shirt? You ain’t the Japanese Fabio or anything.
AUDITION 30:55 – I am convinced the actor actually just got a boner.
AUDITION 33:15 – So why do they call this movie AUDITION? I don’t get the title. #sarcasm
AUDITION 41:10 – This guy is a golf rebel. No clubs for him.
AUDITION 42:20 – Hey friend, it was your idea for the f-ing audition in the first place. Don’t cock-block me.
AUDITION 43:10 – Wow. This girl has about as much meat on her bones as Michael Jackson. (Awwww… too soon?)
AUDITION 46:50 – Well…. everyone’s left the office. Time for porn!
AUDITION 47:50 – That has got to be the most irritating phone ring that I’ve ever heard.
AUDITION 48:10 – Holy crap. What the F was that?
AUDITION 53:00 – That coat is going to eat her head.
AUDITION 55:40 – The teenage son is just a bit too eager for his dad to propose to the wacky audition chick. Hoping for a naked shower shot?
AUDITION 56:40 – Naw… there’s nothing creepy about drinking scotch and staring at the girl half your age.
AUDITION 58:15 – You’re suggesting cheesecake to the 82-pound girl? Duh.
AUDITION 58:45 – Oops… the actor got another boner just then.
AUDITION 1:01:40 – The idea of this guy loving only her is pretty much a possibility since he’s such a freaking loser.
AUDITION 1:03:15 – Forget about losing a kidney. I’d be worried my balls were gone after a night like that.
AUDITION 1:03:50 – Thank you, Takashi Miike for not showing us this guy’s junk.
AUDITION 1:07:15 – The guy’s a producer, no a government agent. Why would he be any help in finding the crazy skinny lady?
AUDITION 1:08:20 – That old ballet studio doesn’t just look like it’s been boarded up. It looks like they’re trying to keep zombines inside.
AUDITION 1:11:40 – That’s Miike, isn’t it? In the fat robe at the piano?
AUDITION 1;12:30 – “Did you smell her?” “Only when she farted.”
AUDITION 1:13:00 – That guy needs to get his glasses checked. He completely missed his mark.
AUDITION 1:14:30 – The Stone Fish looks like an Asian massage parlor. Which makes me wonder if they look the same in Asia as they do in U.S.
AUDITION 1:16:45 – Cat got your tongue? Not any more.
AUDITION 1:18:10 – That is the worst watchdog in the hisotry of Japan.
AUDITION 1:18:55 – Scotch, scotch, scotch. I love scotch. Down into my belly.
AUDITION 1:21:25 – Did someone put a reel in out of order?
AUDITION 1:24:10 – Even in flashbacks, this dude refuses to button up.
AUDITION 1:25:50 – WTF???
AUDITION 1:26:40 – Even the schoolgirl noticed the guy has a perpetual boner.
AUDITION 1:28:00 – It’s good to see that Bobcat Golthwait can still get an acting gig.
AUDITION 1:29:20 – That deformed butt shot was a bit unnecessary.
AUDITION 1:30:45 – Home gynocological exams are not supposed to work like this.
AUDITION 1:32:40 – Did we just flashback into a different movie?
AUDITION 1:33:15 – Now that’s using your head! (forgive me… it had to be said.)
AUDITION 1:34:00 – Yeah, that Snoopy was toast from the beginning.
AUDITION 1:34:15 – She’s got her garb all set for her Hostel Hunting Club.
AUDITION 1:35:50 – This girl is the real Martha Stewart of DIY gynocology and dental hygeine.
AUDITION 1:36:35 – You bitch! That’s my favorite sweater!
AUDITION 1:37:00 – What would have made this movie awesome… if Miike had put a “Based on a True Story” title card at the beginning.
AUDITION 1:37:55 – I don’t think she’s a licensed acupuncturist.
AUDITION 1:39:55 – This is basically the same scene as in Miike’s MASTERS OF HORROR short film IMPRINT…only with some role reversal.
AUDITION 1:43:10 – She makes it look so fun.
AUDITION 1:43:35 – This guy was much more effective of an actor than Carey Elwes.
AUDITION 1:45:00 – Son! Quick! Take your massive Moe Howard hair and ruuuuuun!
AUDITION 1:46:20 – I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
AUDITION 1:49:35 – Wow! Missed every step. That dive gets a 5.0
AUDITION 1:50:30 – He has to tell the kid to call the police? I thought the kid was supposed to be smart.
AUDITION 1:53:00 – And ROLL CREDITS! And call the police, too.
Final thoughts on AUDITION… Never been a big fan of Miike, but it was interesting. Had less going on than other movies and dragged a bit.
Big thanks to @AronDej for live-tweeting along with me on AUDITION!
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