HOUSE OF WAX
zero stars (out of 5)
May 6, 2005
Elisha Cuthbert as CARLY JONES
Chad Michael Murray as NICK JONES
Brian Van Holt as BO/VINCENT
Paris Hilton as PAIGE EDWARDS
Jared Padalecki as WADE
Studio: Warner Bros.
Directed by: Jaume Serra
BY KEVIN CARR
Listen to Kevin’s radio review…
By now, the most notable thing that you’ve heard about “House of Wax” is that you get a chance to see Paris Hilton whacked by a psycho killer. Sure, that’s a huge plus to the movie, but it’s hardly worth the wait. (Sorry for the spoiler folks, but if you haven’t figured out that Paris is going to die, you need serious help.)
By the time she gets killed, I was so annoyed and nauseated by this film that I couldn’t even enjoy it. If you ask me, I was much more impressed with Paris Hilton’s video debut a couple years ago. In “House of Wax,” you have to wade through her god-awful acting and ridiculous story line (even for a horror film) just to see her get the axe (or rather, the pipe).
Not to focus too much on Paris Hilton, but she brings an art to bad acting. She can’t even deliver simple one-liners that are supposed to get a laugh from the crowd.
Working against this detestable diva is Elisha Cuthbert, whom most horny teenage boys remember from “The Girl Next Door.” Yes, Cuthbert is easy on the eyes, although her trailer park hairdo needs some serious work. However, she’s dressed down and made to look less than her best. I’d start to speculate about the possibility that this is part of a conspiracy that no other actress will look better than Paris Hilton in this movie, but seriously, “House of Wax” isn’t worth the mental effort.
To add insult to injury, this movie is one of the most violent, gross, brutal and sickening films I’ve seen hit the multiplex. I’m a true fan of horror movies, and I can appreciate gore as much as the next guy, but “House of Wax” took things too far. Do we really need to see fingers getting clipped off or people being tortured under a spray of hot wax. There’s a whole area of good taste this film ignores.
Some well-placed violence and make-up effects can be very appropriate, but this is an all-out puke fest that’s needlessly violent on top of being just plain dull. I was only ten minutes into the film and I was hoping that everyone would get killed.
What really cheeses me off about “House of Wax” is that it was the most unnecessary remake ever conceived. Heck, it wasn’t even a proper remake. Instead, the filmmakers took a cool title and worked an entirely new (although horribly cliched and flawed) story around it.
I saw the original “House of Wax” with my dad at a Saturday movie matinee. We saw it in polarized 3-D, and it was one of my most memorable movie-going experiences as a child. I’ve watched the film multiple times since, and it still holds up today, if you can forgive a little 1950s cheese.
But this new film has NOTHING to do with the original. Why even bother? What marketing genius at Warner Bros. decided to rape and pillage their classics library just so they can make a crappy horror movie starring one of the most worthless and overexposed creatures on the planet?
At least when Gus Van Sant decided to remake “Psycho” (as bad as it was), he didn’t wad up the original script and flush it down the toilet.
People all over this country should get on their knees and pray that “House of Wax” doesn’t do well, or we’re going to see other classic films “re-imagined” into huge, stinking piles of cow manure. Imagine “It’s a Wonderful Life” transformed into an X-games jewel heist. Or “Citizen Kane” turned into a romantic comedy about a Congressional intern getting caught in a prostitution scandal.
That’s the kind of garbage that this movie is.