On November 23, Kevin was joined by @AronDej to live-tweet Gigli, one of the biggest box office bombs in history, starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez’s ass. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.

     

kevincarr: Turkey #9 is… “GIGLI,”starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez’ ass #kevincarrtweetsturkeys #giglitweet

AronDej: #giglitweet That’s really not good when I’m only at 00:10 and your movie already sounds crummy.

AronDej: #giglitweet – 1:00 – Cue generic score and voiceover.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 00:30 – So far so good. Pictures’ not even up…

kevincarr: #giglitweet 01:05 – The only thing you can count on is that you never f-ing know. Mantra for the movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 01:45 – Is Ben Affleck *really* that intimidating?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 02:45 – That is one big f-ing dryer.

AronDej: #giglitweet 3:00 – Ok, this would actually be fun.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 03:10 – What is it about a bowling shirt that makes people quake in their boots?

AronDej: #giglitweet 3:20 – But do they do it? No.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 03:45 – These could be the producers arguing over whether this movie was a good idea.

AronDej: #giglitweet – 5:00 – Not really that bad so far, to be honest.

kevincarr: @AronDej Just you wait. #giglitweet

kevincarr: #giglitweet 07:00 – With a retarded character, the filmmakers must have thought this’d be a shoe-in for an Oscar.

AronDej: #giglitweet 7:58 – ??? This feels very badly dubbed.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 08:50 – I want to go to the Baywatch, too.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 09:10 -I weep for Justin Bartha. He’s such a good actor, and he does a good job in this movie. The problem is… it’s this movie

kevincarr: #giglitweet 09:50 – They’re not wearing seat belts! Danger, Will Robinson!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 10:25 – I want a nifty giant f-ing flashlight phone!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 11:25 – What? Is he a vampire? He needs to be invited in?

AronDej: #giglitweet 12:20 – repetitive seen is repetitive and… alright. Nevermind. wtf.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 12:25 – Did he just call Gigli a “soup-fucker”? What does that even mean?

AronDej: #giglitweet 13:00 – jesus christ, Just Bartha is a freaking midget.

AronDej: #giglitweet 13:30 – DUH DUH DUHHH…. The bitch is here.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 14:00 – And here’s Jennifer Lopez and her ass to suck the life out of this movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 14:20 – My god look at that thing. It’s like a Christmas turkey stuffed into a pair of jeans!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 15:30 – This could be worse. It could be Megan Fox.

AronDej: #giglitweet 16:05 – Is he staring down at his boner or something?

AronDej: #giglitweet 16:59 – Cant tell you how many times I’ve heard that.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 17:00 – Awwww, Jenny from the Block is trying to act tough. Is she *trying* to do a Brooklyn accent?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 18:00 – What kind of crime boss hangs outside a Beverly Hills sidewalk cafe?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 18:50 – Why are we getting an etemology lesson? He’s learning a word a day? Didn’t Stallone do that in OSCAR?

AronDej: #giglitweet ALL – Why do they make Ben Affleck seem a foot taller than everybody else in this movie?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 20:00 – Holy Christ! The dialogue just took a turn for the worse.

AronDej: #giglitweet 20:10 – Jesus. This whole scene was ridiculous. Sultan of Slick is a pretty cool title though.

AronDej: #giglitweet 21:00 – He’s mentally retarded, Ben. You should know that of all people, right? MATT DAMMOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 21:20 – If she’d kill him now, the movie would be over. I should be so lucky.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 23:00 – Somehow I got distracted from the movie and did a Google search on how many cups of spit you swallow each day.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 24:00 – Bull. Cow. Damn, how did this miss the Golden Globe?

AronDej: #giglitweet 24:00 – When did we establish that they were in a relationship? Does eating together constitute a relationship in this film?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 24:40 – I think “The Baywatch” is a metaphor for the increasing globalization of our society.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 25:50 – Who keeps a bottle of Tabasco Sauce on his end table?

AronDej: #giglitweet 26:05 – Something tells me Tobasco regrets this promotion.

AronDej: #giglitweet 27:25 – What exactly is this situation, anyway?

AronDej: #giglitweet 27:45-ish – Did I say sultan of slick? I meant sleaze, sorry!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 28:35 – Not since BOOGIE NIGHTS have we seen such mirror preparation for sex.

AronDej: #giglitweet 28:52 – This might be the most accurate depiction of the modern italian male in a while.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 29:15 – Wait a minute! Why didn’t she read *her* book to the kid?

AronDej: #giglitweet 29:30 – Ben, your body isn’t that impressive. Sorry.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 31:40 – What the hell kind of cartoon is this?

AronDej: #giglitweet 31:49 – That cartoon was actually really good and smart, surprisingly mature and funny. Unlike this film.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 32:45 – I find it hard to believe that this is the first time someone pulled the “I’m a lesbian” line on Gigli.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 33:20 – Enter Christopher Walken in the most incomprehensible role ever.

AronDej: #giglitweet 34:00 – Pulling something out of your ass right now might save the movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 35:35 – The writer definitely used his thesaurus for the dialogue in this movie.

AronDej: #giglitweet 36:40 – What exactly is the point of having Walken in this movie?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 37:05 – Man, you know what I’d love to do right now? Forget the pie. Just turn off the movie.

AronDej: #giglitweet 37:25-ish Wow. Again, another company that probably regrets their promotion in this movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 38:45 – Christopher Walken dancing in the Fat Boy Slim video made more sense than his role in this movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 40:30 – All the beautiful girls at the Baywatch? Aren’t they at the strip clubs by the airport in L.A.?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 41:00 – Why all the tender music while the kid asks “where the sex is”? I feel tingly now.

AronDej: #giglitweet 41:15 – Wow. A Mural of Jenny from the block? Its really accurate.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 42:40 – This Tai Moi Choi talk was cooler in HOT ROD talking about how Tai Chi has a move that makes someone crap his pants.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 43:30 – I’m sure actresses have used this Tai Moi Choi monologue to blow auditions all the time.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 44:40 – I don’t think that Ricki actually talked them down or anything. She just bored them into submission.

AronDej: #giglitweet 45:05 – i’m thinking that porn site regrets this promotion, as well.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 45:30 – Really? You’re going to quote “The Art of War”? Why does every crappy movie do this?

AronDej: #giglitweet 46:49 – I thought she was gonna say jerk off.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 46:50 – Thanks fo rthe psychology lession, J-Lo. Because women never yell at their families when they’re upset?

MrPookieBlack: @kevincarr Are you really watching Gigli? #giglitweet

kevincarr: #giglitweet 47:55 – Brings a new meaning to the term “whale tail.”

kevincarr: @MrPookieBlack Yes, and I’m regretting every minute of it. #giglitweet

kevincarr: #giglitweet 49:15 – Was Sharon Gless’s character on BURN NOTICE modeled after Gigli’s mom?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 50:50 – Suddenly, the Ma is interested in the lesbian Rickie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 51:30 – And I just threw up in my mouth.

AronDej: #giglitweet 52:10 – Keep an open mind? You mean like Justin Bartha and Ben Affleck will get together at the end of the movie?

AronDej: #giglitweet 53:15 – In reference to my last tweet, am I the only one who notices this bizarre homoeroticism between them?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 54:40 – This discussion of men versus women in bed is just a retread of CHASING AMY’s “deep dicking” speech.

AronDej: #giglitweet 55:00 – Actually, mr. Sultan of Sleaze, its been highly proven that people of the same gender tend to give better oral sex.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 56:00 – It looks like J-Lo’s nipple is trying to escape into her armpit.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 57:25 – Is it ironic that I had to go stick a toothpick in a pie just now. Yes, I am making a pie right now.

AronDej: #giglitweet 57:30 – Wow. You managed to make that whole thing about lips sexual.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 58:00 – Only J-Lo could be half-naked talking about sex for five minutes and make it completely boring an un-sexy.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 59:25 – I, too, would rather listen to the Australian weather girl’s voice than J-Lo talking about cunnelingus.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:00:00 – For some reason I expect the benny hill show theme to start playing at any moment.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:02:00 – This is pretty fitting for this movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:02:00 – Why doesn’t he read what’s on the back of his DVDs in his collection in the background… or J-Lo’s book?

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:03:45 – Wow. Just wow. Really. I’m not sure whether this is awesome or shockingly bad. Or both.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:03:55 – That is the most unintimidating tattoo I have ever seen on a Hollywood gangster.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:04:45 – *Now* I’ll cut your thumb off.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:05:30 – This movie would be so much better if Gigli never answered his door or his phone.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:07:00 – Missy Crider, who plays Ricki’s girlfriend, used to bang James Woods. I threw up in my mouth again.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:08:00 – All symbolic of J-Lo’s acting career. She did peak with ANACONDA, after all.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:08:40 – You mean she’s a stupid plastic bimbo who cant act? Yeah, in that respect, she is just like the gals on baywatch.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:09:00 – My “pee sneeze”? Wow. I mean, just wow.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:11:00 – I don’t want anyone to suck my cock for twelve hours. After hour 2 or 3, you’re going to chaffe something fierce.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:11:50 – Really? Is Ricki really wearing a @PeopleofWalmart shirt?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:12:30 – A morgue worker’s lunch. Never seen that gag before.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:13:20 – Is Brian singing about J-Lo’s big butt?

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:14:00 – This entire hospital seen is one of the most physically impossible I have ever witnessed.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:15:00 – This girl seems really, really happy to have a speaking part in this movie.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:17:00 – We’re hearing tender music with touching dialogue about Dykasaurus Rex. Just wait for Brian to ask about The Baywatch.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:18:20 – This fingernail discussion was old when I was in college… in the early 90s.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:20:30 – What is wrong with a little nipple tweak between friends? I mean, really?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:21:15 – “It’s turkey time! Gobble, gobble!” And Happy Thanksgiving, people. This is why we’re watching GIGLI this week.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:21:23 – Thanks. I think I’m Asexual now.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:23:30 – This is so sweet and tender. It’s too bad it had to start with “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.”

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:24:00 – “God bless you, penis.” Oh snap.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:27:00 – He has a fantasy of going somewhere really clean. That’s everyone’s fantasy after banging J-Lo.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:28:00 – Al F-ing Pacino! The one-two punch with Walken from earlier.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:30:00 – Who cares about the freaking thumb vs. finger debate?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:31:40 – These are the worst gangster henchmen ever.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:34:10 – Whoa. I just noticed Pacino’s pony tail. He just looks ridiculous.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:37:25 – This movie has more random speeches than an episode of GREY’S ANATOMY.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:37:40 – to be honest I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t really care.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:41:00 – Ben… please stop… you’re just embarassing yourself now.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:41:40 – Ben Affleck almost made a full career out of converting fictional lesbians.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:41:50 – Could we please stop it with the monologues… PLEASE.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:42:30 – “orrogone” wow. I guess I could be different, but last time i checked it was pronounced “Oar-again”

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:43:00 – Jesus. This ending is longer than RETURN OF THE KING.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:43:45 – And he we go into the dumbest frakking ending to a movie EVER! The Baywatch, the holy grail. WTF?

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:44:40 – I didn’t even remember them still filming Baywatch in 2003.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:45:00 – and WTF is up with this score? They make it sound like he found his long lost mother.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:45:00 – Because in L.A., you can just wander onto any beach set that you want to, and no one notices.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:46:00 – and who the hell wears these clothes in L.A.?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:46:40 – “Sometimes he smells like fish.” Just like J-Lo there, huh?

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:48:20 – “I think I’ll miss you most, Scarecrow.”

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:48:40 – This ending is unbelievably long and awkward.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:49:40 – For those keeping track, this ending of the film has now passed the 10 minute mark. Why? Because it can.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:51:40 – That’s right! There’s still more in this ending. We need to explore The Baywatch.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:52:00 – OH FOR CHRIST SAKES JUST END IT ALREADY!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:52:20 – I think Ben Stiller should show up in this scene as Simple Jack, saying, “Yuh-yuh-you make muh pee pee tingle.”

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:53:00 – Let’s hope she’s retarded too. She kinda looks it.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:54:00 – Even Ben Affleck can’t believe how awful this ending is.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:54:00 – This ending just keeps dragging more and more, and getting even more awkward.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:55:00 – For once I just wish a movie would have the balls to have all the characters randomly killed.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:55:30 – More endings? Hobbits take less time to end a movie than these wannabe gangsters.

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:56:00 – Jesus, even the extended edition of the return of the king’s ending isn’t this drawn out!

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:57:00 – A choir singing as they ride off in the sunset? Was this supposed to be a religious documentary?

AronDej: #giglitweet 1:57:10 – and now to ride of into the sunset with a completely ridiculous Lion King-esque score.

kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:57:25 – And ROLL CREDITS! Not a moment too soon. Really, far from a moment too soon.

kevincarr: RT @AronDej: #giglitweet – 5:00 – Not really that bad so far, to be honest. (Did the other 1:55:00 of the film change your mind?)

AronDej: #giglitweet – JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST! Its finally over… the endings to this movie made it worse than it ever would have been.

AronDej: #giglitweet HOW GIGLI SHOULD HAVE ENDED: At 1:37:00-ish they ride off into the sunset, and their car crashes due to a Hummer driving wildly.

kevincarr: Final thoughts on #giglitweet: I disagree with Roger Ebert… LEGALLY BLONDE 2 and DUMB AND DUMBERER were masterpieces compared to it.

AronDej: #giglitweet with the only survivor being JLo’s ass.

Thanks to @AronDej for joining in on a late-night live-tweet.

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Tags: Al Pacino, Ben Affleck, Christopher Walken, Gigli, Jennifer Lopez, Live-Tweet