The ‘Gigli’ Live-Tweet
On November 23, Kevin was joined by @AronDej to live-tweet Gigli, one of the biggest box office bombs in history, starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez’s ass. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
kevincarr: Turkey #9 is… “GIGLI,”starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez’ ass #kevincarrtweetsturkeys #giglitweet
AronDej: #giglitweet That’s really not good when I’m only at 00:10 and your movie already sounds crummy.
AronDej: #giglitweet – 1:00 – Cue generic score and voiceover.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 00:30 – So far so good. Pictures’ not even up…
kevincarr: #giglitweet 01:05 – The only thing you can count on is that you never f-ing know. Mantra for the movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 01:45 – Is Ben Affleck *really* that intimidating?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 02:45 – That is one big f-ing dryer.
AronDej: #giglitweet 3:00 – Ok, this would actually be fun.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 03:10 – What is it about a bowling shirt that makes people quake in their boots?
AronDej: #giglitweet 3:20 – But do they do it? No.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 03:45 – These could be the producers arguing over whether this movie was a good idea.
AronDej: #giglitweet – 5:00 – Not really that bad so far, to be honest.
kevincarr: @AronDej Just you wait. #giglitweet
kevincarr: #giglitweet 07:00 – With a retarded character, the filmmakers must have thought this’d be a shoe-in for an Oscar.
AronDej: #giglitweet 7:58 – ??? This feels very badly dubbed.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 08:50 – I want to go to the Baywatch, too.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 09:10 -I weep for Justin Bartha. He’s such a good actor, and he does a good job in this movie. The problem is… it’s this movie
kevincarr: #giglitweet 09:50 – They’re not wearing seat belts! Danger, Will Robinson!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 10:25 – I want a nifty giant f-ing flashlight phone!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 11:25 – What? Is he a vampire? He needs to be invited in?
AronDej: #giglitweet 12:20 – repetitive seen is repetitive and… alright. Nevermind. wtf.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 12:25 – Did he just call Gigli a “soup-fucker”? What does that even mean?
AronDej: #giglitweet 13:00 – jesus christ, Just Bartha is a freaking midget.
AronDej: #giglitweet 13:30 – DUH DUH DUHHH…. The bitch is here.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 14:00 – And here’s Jennifer Lopez and her ass to suck the life out of this movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 14:20 – My god look at that thing. It’s like a Christmas turkey stuffed into a pair of jeans!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 15:30 – This could be worse. It could be Megan Fox.
AronDej: #giglitweet 16:05 – Is he staring down at his boner or something?
AronDej: #giglitweet 16:59 – Cant tell you how many times I’ve heard that.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 17:00 – Awwww, Jenny from the Block is trying to act tough. Is she *trying* to do a Brooklyn accent?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 18:00 – What kind of crime boss hangs outside a Beverly Hills sidewalk cafe?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 18:50 – Why are we getting an etemology lesson? He’s learning a word a day? Didn’t Stallone do that in OSCAR?
AronDej: #giglitweet ALL – Why do they make Ben Affleck seem a foot taller than everybody else in this movie?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 20:00 – Holy Christ! The dialogue just took a turn for the worse.
AronDej: #giglitweet 20:10 – Jesus. This whole scene was ridiculous. Sultan of Slick is a pretty cool title though.
AronDej: #giglitweet 21:00 – He’s mentally retarded, Ben. You should know that of all people, right? MATT DAMMOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 21:20 – If she’d kill him now, the movie would be over. I should be so lucky.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 23:00 – Somehow I got distracted from the movie and did a Google search on how many cups of spit you swallow each day.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 24:00 – Bull. Cow. Damn, how did this miss the Golden Globe?
AronDej: #giglitweet 24:00 – When did we establish that they were in a relationship? Does eating together constitute a relationship in this film?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 24:40 – I think “The Baywatch” is a metaphor for the increasing globalization of our society.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 25:50 – Who keeps a bottle of Tabasco Sauce on his end table?
AronDej: #giglitweet 26:05 – Something tells me Tobasco regrets this promotion.
AronDej: #giglitweet 27:25 – What exactly is this situation, anyway?
AronDej: #giglitweet 27:45-ish – Did I say sultan of slick? I meant sleaze, sorry!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 28:35 – Not since BOOGIE NIGHTS have we seen such mirror preparation for sex.
AronDej: #giglitweet 28:52 – This might be the most accurate depiction of the modern italian male in a while.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 29:15 – Wait a minute! Why didn’t she read *her* book to the kid?
AronDej: #giglitweet 29:30 – Ben, your body isn’t that impressive. Sorry.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 31:40 – What the hell kind of cartoon is this?
AronDej: #giglitweet 31:49 – That cartoon was actually really good and smart, surprisingly mature and funny. Unlike this film.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 32:45 – I find it hard to believe that this is the first time someone pulled the “I’m a lesbian” line on Gigli.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 33:20 – Enter Christopher Walken in the most incomprehensible role ever.
AronDej: #giglitweet 34:00 – Pulling something out of your ass right now might save the movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 35:35 – The writer definitely used his thesaurus for the dialogue in this movie.
AronDej: #giglitweet 36:40 – What exactly is the point of having Walken in this movie?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 37:05 – Man, you know what I’d love to do right now? Forget the pie. Just turn off the movie.
AronDej: #giglitweet 37:25-ish Wow. Again, another company that probably regrets their promotion in this movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 38:45 – Christopher Walken dancing in the Fat Boy Slim video made more sense than his role in this movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 40:30 – All the beautiful girls at the Baywatch? Aren’t they at the strip clubs by the airport in L.A.?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 41:00 – Why all the tender music while the kid asks “where the sex is”? I feel tingly now.
AronDej: #giglitweet 41:15 – Wow. A Mural of Jenny from the block? Its really accurate.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 42:40 – This Tai Moi Choi talk was cooler in HOT ROD talking about how Tai Chi has a move that makes someone crap his pants.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 43:30 – I’m sure actresses have used this Tai Moi Choi monologue to blow auditions all the time.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 44:40 – I don’t think that Ricki actually talked them down or anything. She just bored them into submission.
AronDej: #giglitweet 45:05 – i’m thinking that porn site regrets this promotion, as well.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 45:30 – Really? You’re going to quote “The Art of War”? Why does every crappy movie do this?
AronDej: #giglitweet 46:49 – I thought she was gonna say jerk off.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 46:50 – Thanks fo rthe psychology lession, J-Lo. Because women never yell at their families when they’re upset?
MrPookieBlack: @kevincarr Are you really watching Gigli? #giglitweet
kevincarr: #giglitweet 47:55 – Brings a new meaning to the term “whale tail.”
kevincarr: @MrPookieBlack Yes, and I’m regretting every minute of it. #giglitweet
kevincarr: #giglitweet 49:15 – Was Sharon Gless’s character on BURN NOTICE modeled after Gigli’s mom?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 50:50 – Suddenly, the Ma is interested in the lesbian Rickie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 51:30 – And I just threw up in my mouth.
AronDej: #giglitweet 52:10 – Keep an open mind? You mean like Justin Bartha and Ben Affleck will get together at the end of the movie?
AronDej: #giglitweet 53:15 – In reference to my last tweet, am I the only one who notices this bizarre homoeroticism between them?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 54:40 – This discussion of men versus women in bed is just a retread of CHASING AMY’s “deep dicking” speech.
AronDej: #giglitweet 55:00 – Actually, mr. Sultan of Sleaze, its been highly proven that people of the same gender tend to give better oral sex.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 56:00 – It looks like J-Lo’s nipple is trying to escape into her armpit.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 57:25 – Is it ironic that I had to go stick a toothpick in a pie just now. Yes, I am making a pie right now.
AronDej: #giglitweet 57:30 – Wow. You managed to make that whole thing about lips sexual.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 58:00 – Only J-Lo could be half-naked talking about sex for five minutes and make it completely boring an un-sexy.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 59:25 – I, too, would rather listen to the Australian weather girl’s voice than J-Lo talking about cunnelingus.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:00:00 – For some reason I expect the benny hill show theme to start playing at any moment.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:02:00 – This is pretty fitting for this movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:02:00 – Why doesn’t he read what’s on the back of his DVDs in his collection in the background… or J-Lo’s book?
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:03:45 – Wow. Just wow. Really. I’m not sure whether this is awesome or shockingly bad. Or both.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:03:55 – That is the most unintimidating tattoo I have ever seen on a Hollywood gangster.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:04:45 – *Now* I’ll cut your thumb off.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:05:30 – This movie would be so much better if Gigli never answered his door or his phone.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:07:00 – Missy Crider, who plays Ricki’s girlfriend, used to bang James Woods. I threw up in my mouth again.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:08:00 – All symbolic of J-Lo’s acting career. She did peak with ANACONDA, after all.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:08:40 – You mean she’s a stupid plastic bimbo who cant act? Yeah, in that respect, she is just like the gals on baywatch.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:09:00 – My “pee sneeze”? Wow. I mean, just wow.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:11:00 – I don’t want anyone to suck my cock for twelve hours. After hour 2 or 3, you’re going to chaffe something fierce.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:11:50 – Really? Is Ricki really wearing a @PeopleofWalmart shirt?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:12:30 – A morgue worker’s lunch. Never seen that gag before.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:13:20 – Is Brian singing about J-Lo’s big butt?
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:14:00 – This entire hospital seen is one of the most physically impossible I have ever witnessed.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:15:00 – This girl seems really, really happy to have a speaking part in this movie.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:17:00 – We’re hearing tender music with touching dialogue about Dykasaurus Rex. Just wait for Brian to ask about The Baywatch.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:18:20 – This fingernail discussion was old when I was in college… in the early 90s.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:20:30 – What is wrong with a little nipple tweak between friends? I mean, really?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:21:15 – “It’s turkey time! Gobble, gobble!” And Happy Thanksgiving, people. This is why we’re watching GIGLI this week.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:21:23 – Thanks. I think I’m Asexual now.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:23:30 – This is so sweet and tender. It’s too bad it had to start with “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.”
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:24:00 – “God bless you, penis.” Oh snap.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:27:00 – He has a fantasy of going somewhere really clean. That’s everyone’s fantasy after banging J-Lo.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:28:00 – Al F-ing Pacino! The one-two punch with Walken from earlier.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:30:00 – Who cares about the freaking thumb vs. finger debate?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:31:40 – These are the worst gangster henchmen ever.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:34:10 – Whoa. I just noticed Pacino’s pony tail. He just looks ridiculous.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:37:25 – This movie has more random speeches than an episode of GREY’S ANATOMY.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:37:40 – to be honest I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t really care.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:41:00 – Ben… please stop… you’re just embarassing yourself now.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:41:40 – Ben Affleck almost made a full career out of converting fictional lesbians.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:41:50 – Could we please stop it with the monologues… PLEASE.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:42:30 – “orrogone” wow. I guess I could be different, but last time i checked it was pronounced “Oar-again”
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:43:00 – Jesus. This ending is longer than RETURN OF THE KING.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:43:45 – And he we go into the dumbest frakking ending to a movie EVER! The Baywatch, the holy grail. WTF?
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:44:40 – I didn’t even remember them still filming Baywatch in 2003.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:45:00 – and WTF is up with this score? They make it sound like he found his long lost mother.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:45:00 – Because in L.A., you can just wander onto any beach set that you want to, and no one notices.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:46:00 – and who the hell wears these clothes in L.A.?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:46:40 – “Sometimes he smells like fish.” Just like J-Lo there, huh?
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:48:20 – “I think I’ll miss you most, Scarecrow.”
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:48:40 – This ending is unbelievably long and awkward.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:49:40 – For those keeping track, this ending of the film has now passed the 10 minute mark. Why? Because it can.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:51:40 – That’s right! There’s still more in this ending. We need to explore The Baywatch.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:52:00 – OH FOR CHRIST SAKES JUST END IT ALREADY!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:52:20 – I think Ben Stiller should show up in this scene as Simple Jack, saying, “Yuh-yuh-you make muh pee pee tingle.”
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:53:00 – Let’s hope she’s retarded too. She kinda looks it.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:54:00 – Even Ben Affleck can’t believe how awful this ending is.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:54:00 – This ending just keeps dragging more and more, and getting even more awkward.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:55:00 – For once I just wish a movie would have the balls to have all the characters randomly killed.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:55:30 – More endings? Hobbits take less time to end a movie than these wannabe gangsters.
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:56:00 – Jesus, even the extended edition of the return of the king’s ending isn’t this drawn out!
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:57:00 – A choir singing as they ride off in the sunset? Was this supposed to be a religious documentary?
AronDej: #giglitweet 1:57:10 – and now to ride of into the sunset with a completely ridiculous Lion King-esque score.
kevincarr: #giglitweet 1:57:25 – And ROLL CREDITS! Not a moment too soon. Really, far from a moment too soon.
kevincarr: RT @AronDej: #giglitweet – 5:00 – Not really that bad so far, to be honest. (Did the other 1:55:00 of the film change your mind?)
AronDej: #giglitweet – JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST! Its finally over… the endings to this movie made it worse than it ever would have been.
AronDej: #giglitweet HOW GIGLI SHOULD HAVE ENDED: At 1:37:00-ish they ride off into the sunset, and their car crashes due to a Hummer driving wildly.
kevincarr: Final thoughts on #giglitweet: I disagree with Roger Ebert… LEGALLY BLONDE 2 and DUMB AND DUMBERER were masterpieces compared to it.
AronDej: #giglitweet with the only survivor being JLo’s ass.
Thanks to @AronDej for joining in on a late-night live-tweet.
Follow Kevin on…
Related Reading
Tags: Al Pacino, Ben Affleck, Christopher Walken, Gigli, Jennifer Lopez, Live-Tweet
Neil Miller is the Publisher and Executive Editor of 
Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends. He was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. He is now a professional film critic read worldwide, much to the chagrin of Michael Bay.
[...] 1. Gigli (2003) This film will always be controversial because there are people who contend that it was the bad press from Bennifer #1 that killed the box office. Those people obviously haven’t seen this film. Ben Affleck and Justin Bartha aren’t bad, but Jennifer Lopez is a perfect storm of bad acting. Add to this the most unnecessary and incomprehensible cameos from Christopher Walken and Al Pacino, and you have an acting mess. The story is terrible, trying to make a kitchen sink fish-out-of-water comedy from a gangster film. Then, it has one of the most ludicrous endings that rivals the length of that of “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.” It was a terrible, terrible movie, and is worth such historical notations. Read Kevin’s full review of Gigli here. Read Kevin’s live-tweet of Gigli here. [...]