Kevin’s Live-Tweet of ‘Red Sonja’
On November 10, Kevin took out his aggressions on the 1985 turkey Red Sonja, a senseless grab at the Conan franchise. Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
A big thanks to @AronDej for recommending the film and joining in on the live-tweet.
Turkey #2 is… “Red Sonja.” Can’t be any worse than LEONARD PART 6.#kevincarrtweetsturkeys
RED SONJA 00:30 – Dino Dilllerentiis (sp?). Not a good sign.
RED SONJA 01:00 – “She had flaming red hair.” So we cast a blonde chick. Duh.
RED SONJA 02:10 – Is this a flashback to a different movie?
RED SONJA 03:10 – This stars the Governator. It’s only fitting that I’m eating junk food while watcihng it.
RED SONJA 03:50 – you know, they could have spent this too-long credit sequence to tell the story they crammed into the opening montage.
Live-tweeting while eating McD’s Big-Ass-Mac is messy. I think I’ve got some special sauce on my keyboard. (Not THAT special sauce, pervs!)
RED SONJA 05:30 – When the Coneheads ruled the land!
RED SONJA 06:10 – “Oh god of the high gods… we will now worship your giant green Skittle!”
RED SONJA 06:45 – Someone didn’t tie up the horses.
RED SONJA 07:30 – Wally Shawn kills the priestess with a throwing star??? Through 4-feet of stone?
RED SONJA 08:00 – These soldiers are getting their asses handed to them by the conehead hotties.
RED SONJA 08:45 – I can’t take the bad guy seriously in that hat.
RED SONJA 09:50 – Is she wearing a face bra?
RED SONJA 10:40 – “Touch it.” Sucker. You know that’s not going to be good.
RED SONJA 11:30 – Dudes are vaporized by the giant green Skittle, but not hot chicks. What if Rosie O’Donnell touches it?
RED SONJA 12:25 – Apparently Zack Synder stole the “This Is Sparta!” scene from this movie…
RED SONJA 13:20 – Who’s moaning? Are the horses having pre-orgasms?
@AronDej So it was apparently Arnold on the horse… with fabulous red pants.
RED SONJA 14:50 – So where is this Red Sonja that I’ve heard so much about?
RED SONJA 15:05 – Nice decapitation. Nothing to lose your head over.
RED SONJA 16:00 – Just because your actor is Asian doesn’t mean he knows martial arts.
RED SONJA 16:15 – Why is the giant statue taking a dump?
RED SONJA 17:00 – These are the most ridiculous costumes I’ve seen since last season on UGLY BETTY.
RED SONJA 18:15 – Apparently, Red Sonja has sword-penis envy.
RED SONJA 18:30 – Arnold: “I’m looking for Red Sonja!” Delivering dialogue before he got his speech coach for politics.
RED SONJA 19:15 – Will someone give that statue a magazine while he finishes up?
RED SONJA 20:55 – Is Bridgette Neilsen’s dialogue dubbed?
RED SONJA 21:50 – Mullets were huge back then.
RED SONJA 23:00 – It were these powerhouse acting scenes between Bridgette Neilsen and Arnold Schwarzenegger that won this film respect.
RED SONJA 24:05 – Nice pimpin’ coat there, Red Sonja!
RED SONJA 25:00 – No one will be admitted as the slave dry-humps a giant concrete hand. It’s an Oscar clip.
RED SONJA 26:00 – The acting in this scene is like watching a bad community theater troupe trying to do a classic Monty Python sketch.
RED SONJA 26:35 – I really wouldn’t want that fat guy’s money if he insists on keeping it in his bra.
RED SONJA 27:15 – Great. More slave action, dry humping giant rocks.
RED SONJA 27:50 – A tablecloth? WTF? I can’t even begin to understand that request.
I feel a little queasy… It’s either because I just ate a Big-Ass-Mac… or because I’m watching RED SONJA… or both.
RED SONJA 31:30 – Sooo… are we going to get an awesome action sword fight? Didn’t think so.
RED SONJA 21:10 – You got Smuckers Jam all over my shoulder!
RED SONJA 32:45 – She kicks him right in the nards. That’s right… Red Sonja fights dirty.
RED SONJA 33:10 – This birdman army is pretty laid back, especially right after their leader is killed.
RED SONJA 33:45 – Arnold: “Ha!” Sorry folks… you have to see it to believe it.
RED SONJA 36:00 – Why is everyone wearing face bras in this movie?
RED SONJA 36:50 -Who does this kid think he is? Short Round?
RED SONJA 37:15 – Something tells me that this master-slave relationship is more about sexual role-play than anything else.
RED SONJA 38:15 – Those are the grumpiest faces I’ve ever seen on a castle.
RED SONJA 38:40 – How would you have liked to have been the P.A. that had to light all those candles.
RED SONJA 39:30 – “Perhaps fewer candles would be adviseable?” How sad is it that the characters also notice?
RED SONJA 40:40 – A pet spider!? That would be really cool if it didn’t look like a Muppet reject.
RED SONJA 41:10 – Oops… sorry I have my crystal ball on Skinemax.
RED SONJA 42:00 – Dude… How long have those guards been hanging out behind face-bra queen?
RED SONJA 42:55 – “You don’t know much about princes, do you?” No he doesn’t… but he knows a lot about queens.
RED SONJA 44:00 – A bridge made of the most conveniently dead mammoth.
RED SONJA 44:40 – The pervy slave insists that Red Sonja spank him instead… yeah, call that a sacrifice. Usually it costs $50 extra.
RED SONJA 47:30 – Wow. The boy prince is aiming for an uncomfortable sexual relationship with everyone in this movie.
RED SONJA 50:20 – “It must be the biggest in the world.” “It might be fake. There’s a lot of that stuff going around.
RED SONJA 51:50 – Not bad for a sea monster. This is where all the budget went.
RED SONJA 53:00 – Eat the prince! Eat the prince! Eat the prince!
RED SONJA 53:55 – Arnold Schwarzenegger… dives with his face.
RED SONJA 55:15 – This scene reminds me of the python wrestling scene in MOONRAKER… or the octopus wrestling scene in BRIDE OF THE ATOM
RED SONJA 58:30 – Even as an 80s action star, Arnie could never pull off on-screen kissing.
RED SONJA 59:25 – “Prepare to be conquered.” ick.
RED SONJA 59:25 – This barbarian foreplay is like watching Klingons. If they start barking & sniffing each others’ butts, I’m turning is off
RED SONJA 1:01:10 – And there the little prince goes… having foreplay with himself.
RED SONJA 1:02:45 – This is almost as romantic as TITANIC.
RED SONJA 1:03:30 – I’m pretty sure I just watched barbarian sword porn. I need a shower.
RED SONJA 1:04:45 – We’re climbing. Let’s leave the fat guy behind to guard the door.
RED SONJA 1:05:40 – Criminey! How much crap fits in that fat guy’s bra, anyway?
RED SONJA 1:07:00 – Yeah, I’m pretty sure Arnold was checking out Bridgette’s ass.
RED SONJA 1:08:30 – Couldn’t the fat guy find a better sword than the thin penis with an enlarged ball-sac?
RED SONJA 1:09:00 – He literally dropped in for a bit. He dropped in. Then he took a bite of food. At least Arnold didn’t say it.
RED SONJA 1:10:40 – Quick! Let me open the giant bung-hole door.
RED SONJA 1:11:20 – So is there an earthquake going on, or is the cameraman having a seizure?
RED SONJA 1:12:10 – What a way to go… being crushed by a giant bung-hole door. I have nightmares that’s how my life will end.
RED SONJA 1:14:10 – What were their lives compared to a nasty scar on my face? So vain. Is this the movie’s message?
RED SONJA 1:15:05 – Wait a minute! Where’d that freaky wizard with the gnarly nails come from? He’s still in the room?
RED SONJA 1:16:10 – It’s a good thing that Dr. Julius Somner Miller is helping out the evil queen.
RED SONJA 1:17:00 – Another decapitation. Earned a point for that one, movie.
RED SONJA 1:19:00 – Why does the earth splitting apart sound like my pants splitting when I squat?
RED SONJA 1:20:25 – That’s one explosive Skittle!
RED SONJA 1:21:10 – Rule #1 of cheesy 80s fantasy movies… Blow shit up an the end, whether you need to or not.
RED SONJA 1:23:20 – The slave pining for his prince reminds me of Bruno crying at the loss of O.J. in BRUNO.
RED SONJA 1:25:00 – The only thing this movie is lacking… Flava Flav!
RED SONJA 1:25:25 – Great… more barbarian sword porn.
RED SONJA 1:26:10 – And ROLL CREDITS!
@AronDej Well, at least I could pretty much follow this movie. It was boring, but it wasn’t incomprehensible like LP6.
Final thoughts on RED SONJA… Bad grab at the CONAN franchise. Could have used some Flava Flav… and some decent acting.
Thanks to @AronDej for braving another turkey in a late-night live-tweet.
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Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bridgette Neilsen, Live-Tweet, Red Sonja
Neil Miller is the Publisher and Executive Editor of 
Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends. He was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. He is now a professional film critic read worldwide, much to the chagrin of Michael Bay.
