Kevin’s Live-Tweet of ‘Audition’
On October 31, Kevin live-tweeted the Takashi Miike extreme horror flick, Audition Here’s a log, complete with time-code for your home-viewing pleasure.
A big thanks to @AronDej for recommending the film.
AUDITION 00:30 – Ahhhh, a sick mom. That’s not going to end well.
AUDITION 01:30 – A dead mother now. Is this a Disney movie?
AUDITION 02:15 – That kid has enough head for two kids… or at least enough bowl cut for two kids.
@biggitio I was introduced to Miike with GOZU. No one does full-grown human birth and extreme geriatric lactation like MIike.
AUDITION 03:55 – “I prefer real life girls to big fish.” Speak for yourself, dude.
AUDITION 04:30 – We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
AUDITION 05:25 – “I don’t know much about ovaries.” Don’t know much trigonometry… Don’t know much about science books…
AUDITION 06:20 – Is anyone else worried that the cute Jack Russell terrier wandering around the apartment is for dessert?
Whoops… beagle. Sorry. Snoopy, not Frasier’s dog.
AUDITION 09:40 – Is the bartender Nicolas Cage? Nope… just the hair threw me off.
AUDITION 11:30 – Looking for a young girl with skills. Who wouldn’t want that?
AUDITION 14:00 – “Smart and well-bred. Obedient and well-trained.” The standards of love.
AUDITION 15:45 – Did they seriously just compare Audrey Hepburn to Julia Roberts???? Isn’t that like comparing Olivier to Pauly Shore?
AUDITION 17:00 – Why are all these head shots of Asian girls? Where’s the diversity?
AUDITION 18:30 – It’s only a matter of time before this guy starts wanking it.
AUDITION 19:35 – Holy crap. That guy is really commited to that scarf look.
AUDITION 24:20 – First girl. Long skirt. Bzzzzzzzzzz! next!
AUDITION 25:05 – Hello, cheerleader crotch. My name is Kevin.
AUDITION 25:30 – “When I was two, my mother decided that I would be an actress.” Ain’t that the truth.
AUDITION 28:15 – Boobies! Thank you very much.
AUDITION 29:00 – Dude, button your shirt? You ain’t the Japanese Fabio or anything.
AUDITION 30:55 – I am convinced the actor actually just got a boner.
AUDITION 33:15 – So why do they call this movie AUDITION? I don’t get the title. #sarcasm
AUDITION 41:10 – This guy is a golf rebel. No clubs for him.
AUDITION 42:20 – Hey friend, it was your idea for the f-ing audition in the first place. Don’t cock-block me.
AUDITION 43:10 – Wow. This girl has about as much meat on her bones as Michael Jackson. (Awwww… too soon?)
AUDITION 46:50 – Well…. everyone’s left the office. Time for porn!
AUDITION 47:50 – That has got to be the most irritating phone ring that I’ve ever heard.
AUDITION 48:10 – Holy crap. What the F was that?
AUDITION 53:00 – That coat is going to eat her head.
AUDITION 55:40 – The teenage son is just a bit too eager for his dad to propose to the wacky audition chick. Hoping for a naked shower shot?
AUDITION 56:40 – Naw… there’s nothing creepy about drinking scotch and staring at the girl half your age.
AUDITION 58:15 – You’re suggesting cheesecake to the 82-pound girl? Duh.
AUDITION 58:45 – Oops… the actor got another boner just then.
AUDITION 1:01:40 – The idea of this guy loving only her is pretty much a possibility since he’s such a freaking loser.
AUDITION 1:03:15 – Forget about losing a kidney. I’d be worried my balls were gone after a night like that.
AUDITION 1:03:50 – Thank you, Takashi Miike for not showing us this guy’s junk.
AUDITION 1:07:15 – The guy’s a producer, no a government agent. Why would he be any help in finding the crazy skinny lady?
AUDITION 1:08:20 – That old ballet studio doesn’t just look like it’s been boarded up. It looks like they’re trying to keep zombines inside.
AUDITION 1:11:40 – That’s Miike, isn’t it? In the fat robe at the piano?
AUDITION 1;12:30 – “Did you smell her?” “Only when she farted.”
AUDITION 1:13:00 – That guy needs to get his glasses checked. He completely missed his mark.
AUDITION 1:14:30 – The Stone Fish looks like an Asian massage parlor. Which makes me wonder if they look the same in Asia as they do in U.S.
AUDITION 1:16:45 – Cat got your tongue? Not any more.
AUDITION 1:18:10 – That is the worst watchdog in the hisotry of Japan.
AUDITION 1:18:55 – Scotch, scotch, scotch. I love scotch. Down into my belly.
AUDITION 1:21:25 – Did someone put a reel in out of order?
AUDITION 1:24:10 – Even in flashbacks, this dude refuses to button up.
AUDITION 1:25:50 – WTF???
AUDITION 1:26:40 – Even the schoolgirl noticed the guy has a perpetual boner.
AUDITION 1:28:00 – It’s good to see that Bobcat Golthwait can still get an acting gig.
AUDITION 1:29:20 – That deformed butt shot was a bit unnecessary.
AUDITION 1:30:45 – Home gynocological exams are not supposed to work like this.
AUDITION 1:32:40 – Did we just flashback into a different movie?
AUDITION 1:33:15 – Now that’s using your head! (forgive me… it had to be said.)
AUDITION 1:34:00 – Yeah, that Snoopy was toast from the beginning.
AUDITION 1:34:15 – She’s got her garb all set for her Hostel Hunting Club.
AUDITION 1:35:50 – This girl is the real Martha Stewart of DIY gynocology and dental hygeine.
AUDITION 1:36:35 – You bitch! That’s my favorite sweater!
AUDITION 1:37:00 – What would have made this movie awesome… if Miike had put a “Based on a True Story” title card at the beginning.
AUDITION 1:37:55 – I don’t think she’s a licensed acupuncturist.
AUDITION 1:39:55 – This is basically the same scene as in Miike’s MASTERS OF HORROR short film IMPRINT…only with some role reversal.
AUDITION 1:43:10 – She makes it look so fun.
AUDITION 1:43:35 – This guy was much more effective of an actor than Carey Elwes.
AUDITION 1:45:00 – Son! Quick! Take your massive Moe Howard hair and ruuuuuun!
AUDITION 1:46:20 – I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
AUDITION 1:49:35 – Wow! Missed every step. That dive gets a 5.0
AUDITION 1:50:30 – He has to tell the kid to call the police? I thought the kid was supposed to be smart.
AUDITION 1:53:00 – And ROLL CREDITS! And call the police, too.
Final thoughts on AUDITION… Never been a big fan of Miike, but it was interesting. Had less going on than other movies and dragged a bit.
Big thanks to @AronDej for live-tweeting along with me on AUDITION!
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Tags: Audition, Extreme Horror, Japanese Cinema, Takashi Miike
Neil Miller is the Publisher and Executive Editor of 
Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends. He was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. He is now a professional film critic read worldwide, much to the chagrin of Michael Bay.
